Tuesday, January 07, 2014

It´s Man of Testosterone Tuesday !

Now my last post was a bit of a downer and negative so I thought that I could make this one more positive and fun. I also wanted to put more Superman content on the blog ( what with the name and all ) now that I have gone through my vast picture archive and dug up some really strange covers with Superman where he´s either killing someone

is being killed himself or dying ( oh, the pain )

having some trouble concerning his secret identity

has trouble with those ungrateful and pesky Kandorians

 or just generally behaves like a king sized dick.

One of the persons who was on the receiving end of this superdickery ( and I mean really a lot of times here ) was his own cousin, Supergirl who was raised as Linda Lee in an orphanage and had to hide her super powers to the world to be Superman´s " secret weapon against crime ".

Looking back on some of the covers now I´m not sure if that really was the reason behind it or of he wasn´t afraid she would be a better superhero than him. Which may sound strange to comic readers who started reading Superman comics in the Bronze Age - like myself - or later. But during the Golden Age and for big parts of the Silver Age Superman wasn´t as selfconfident or noble as he would become later. So it wouldn´t have been too far fetched to assume he would keep his cousin hidden who has all of his superpowers plus female reproductive organs.

For people of that time it may have been normal for a superhero to go through such elaborate schemes to fight crime but I always found it very cruel that she had to live in an orphanage when Superman had this gigantic Fortress of Solitude. Which basically is vacant when he´s not there and only used for storage. Okay, it may be cold being at the Arctic but I´m not so sure if Supergirl would have trouble with the cold. And even if she did she could always start a fire with her heat vision.


And speaking about the Fortress of Solitute, is it only me or can you get any more phallic with that giant key. I´m not saying somebody´s overcompensating for something but this cover speaks for itself.

Although there are some other covers out there that make you think how nobody noticed this. And it´s not only american comics. No, Sir, no way.

Here´s a cover from the classic german comic anthology KOBRA that shows you that even an android - or robot in this case - like Archie likes to show off and blatantly flaunt the size of his drill bit. You go, bot !

Another cover with a similar disturbing image shows the other robot of the anthology book, Mytek, although for some reason somebody thought it would be a good idea to give him the appearance of a giant gorilla.

Am I missing something here ? Was the intention to make him more scary or less ? I really don´t see anybody going " Oh my god, we´re being attacked by a giant robot ! We´re all going to die ! Oh, wait a minute, it´s just a giant gorilla. Come out, honey, everything´s gonna be okay now. " Nope, really doesn´t work for me. Anyway, that´s not what I´m talking about so let´s get back to the cover. I´m not sure what is happening here. If he really was a giant gorilla instead of a giant robot I would say he has just discovered the concept of nudity but since he isn´t I can only guess. Maybe even a robot can get certain " urges " and he just happened across this sexy boat. Any ship in a port and hello, sailor.

And speaking about sailors and ships this INVINCIBLE IRON MAN cover  really makes me cringe in my man junk. Is Tony on a binge again ?

Man, I don´t know what the people drawing those covers were thinking at the time but it just reeks of a lot of testosterone going on. Manly stuff.

Like the next one where a guy is just trying to catch a giant fish thing - or wrestling it. Or trying to do something else although this might be just a metaphor for man´s struggle with life or the ocean. Or for having sex. In any case I keep hearing the sound of dueling banjos when I look at this.

Here´s another unsettling cover image from KOBRA, again with that robotic rascal Archie, this time molesting a rhino. Must be jungle fever.

But wait, there´s one more. I have saved the best for last and although it´s not a cover this may be the best freudian costume design in the pages of a comic book ever. I mean it´s not enough to put that thing right there, no, with that beanie his head looks like a giant penis. I have no idea who that is ( probably Major Woody or Erection Lad ) but the outfit is so spot on I bet it´s very popular with feminists. Damn chauvinist pigs !

And speaking about chauvinist pigs, let´s get back to the biggest of them all, Superman, and the whole deal with Supergirl as his " secret weapon ".

Back then comic readers were not as sensitive as Today´s audience, mainly because big parts of it were still kids and most probably boys. For which girls were just yukky so they didn´t really want to deal with them. Girls were strange, bothersome and the less you had to do with them the better. Which may be total speculation on my part and totally off base but this way you could rationalize some of things Superman did. I mean kids are cruel and some of the things they do are outright horrific to adults. And if you don´t believe me just ask anyone who works in a Kindergarten or has to deal with children on a daily basis. Not that Superman himself was Mr. Sensitive in those days by current standards of conduct.

I just recently read a story in which Superman travels back in time to become a radio DJ instead of a mild mannered reporter so he doesn´t have to endure Lois Lane constantly trying to expose his identity or getting him to marry her. Or getting him to marry her by exposing his identity. Yeah, I also never could figure out how that was supposed to work. Anyway, in the end Clark´s female co - worker at the radio station started to become his new Lois so he just gave up and restored the proper timeline. When he came back Lois was interviewing a woman who looked familiar to Superman who turned out to be that same co worker form the radio station. Since she was a lot older she also had gained a few pounds and I was LOLing and ROFLing when he thought how lucky he was he hadn´t married her because she had grown " enourmously fat ".

Yes, there was a time when obesity was funny and sold comics.

Back to Supergirl, for her first three years in comics she was normally used ( no pun intended ) by Superman as a secret weapon to fight crime.

In the stories she was a convenient plot device and she was relegated to hide in the orphanage and only come out in secret to do some super feats mainly when Superman was not on earth or otherwise busy with important stuff. She also had to kiss Jimmy Olsen when he was transformed into a werewolf again ( although she had to hide in the dark and Superman introduced her as the mysterious Lady X ) or make out with Superman when Lois´ advances were becoming too bothersome . In short : her role was to do whatever Superman told her to do and not act out of her own impulses because that would lead most definitely to gigantic disasters.

Not that Superman´s cold attitude towards his cousin was the best to prevent any possible catastrophes. I mean, keeping your only living relative bottled up in an orphanage where she only can come out to play when nobody sees it while you are parading around as the big hero showing of you super powers is enough to drive anybody over the edge.

Of course when Supergirl DID finally snap ( I assume ) or just didn´t live up to Superman´s expectations it meant a very quick exit stage left.

Now on one side Superman kept making out with Supergirl - when she was in disguise - and saying things like if he ever got married it would be to someone like her but since was illegal on Krypton to marry relatives he couldn´t. Or it was because she was only fifteen at the time. On the other side the only other occasions where he even interacted with her was to train her to take over his place if he someday died of Kryptonite radiation or such. So the whole relationship was really bi - polar with Superman either indulging in creepy, unsavory feelings towards his teenage cousin or tossing her into the nearest sun at the slightest sign of failure.

Thankfully Supergirl matured and became her own character later on although she did go through some really weird outfits along the way.

At the moment she has two books in the NEW 52 and her solo book is one of the few good ones left at DC. Indeed, it´s one of the best incarnations of her book since CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS. Somehow they never could figure out what to do with the Maiden of Steel after that storyline.

Now IF you have noticed that I said Supergirl was in two books : she´s also in WORLD´S FINEST even if it´s the Supergirl of earth 2. Yes, I know, Power Girl is also Superman´s cousin from another world but it´s not the same. I think my main gripe with DC is that they tried to sell us a POWER GIRL / HUNTRESS book when in reality it´s just a SUPERGIRL / BATGIRL book. Not that there is anything wrong with that. That could also be a really great book if they tried ( okay, being the NEW 52 I really much doubt that ) but I think it speaks for itself that DC felt the need to deceive its readers into believing it was a different book. I don´t think that DC would have announced it as another kind of book if they were convinced they would get higher sales numbers with the book as it is.

But let´s not open that particular can of worms since I want to stay positive in this post. Although I´m not sure how far I´m succeding with all these weird, inaproppiate shenanigans between Superman and Supergirl.

Let me just say that for the moment I´m trying not to get too worked up about the whole Power Girl situation until the REAL Power Girl returns. In the meantime there are plenty of people out there who remember how Power Girl is supposed to look like and I want to use the opportunity to give a big shout out to all the cosplayer who are keeping it real. Thanks !

Speaking of keeping it real and Power Girl ( my, that segueway was as delicate as ramming a rhino with a truck ) here´s a video that probably anybody but me has already seen. But as the proverbial guy who always comes late to the party I just discovered it this week and I wanted to post it in case anybody who is reading my little blog hasn´t seen it yet.

It´s from a tv show called ATTACK OF THE SHOW that I´m sure everybody of my readers in America know but practically nobody of my readers here in Germany. At least I guess so. In the video the super heroine duo of Bustice (  played by Sara Underwood ) and Power Girl ( played by Carrie Keagan ) come in to rescue a submarine in their own inimitable way. It´s very funny, the girls fill out their roles very well ( and Yes, this pun IS intended ) and you can find quite a few of these videos on YouTube.

New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest


Terry Hooper-Scharf said...

Wonderful posting! Oh, yes, Mytek WAS a robot but disguised as a gigantic gorilla -something to do with superstitious natives and the like. Archie was The Steel Man or Man of Steel in Dutch versions. And, look, he needed love just like anyone else.
I think, by analysing your comments and the images, that what you are trying to suppress is your latent urge to see large breasted super heroines in girl-on-girl action. The use of these obvious phallic images is your latent urge to then partake in that action. Even the use of "testosterone" in the blog title reveals your over powering need for heterosexual gratification.
As for Superman and the huge key he uses -would you prefer the Fortress of Solitude be opened by turning a huge door KNOB?? (if you know what the English word "knob" means?)
I loved those covers and, yes, nice to see a lighter, more jovial Subzero writing on comics -even if this is all just pure filth!!!!
Ivor Biggun,

SUBZERO said...

I never surpressed any urges concerning large breasted super heroines or heterosexual gratification, thank you very much.

And women call me " Mister Filth ".