TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN

We start the month of July with another unscheduled post because while I was going over THE BIG BOOK OF URBAN LEGENDS for the first of what later turned out to be four posts on Steve Mannion I came upon so many interesting urban legends - be it because of the story or of the artwork - that I thought it would be a waste to let them lounge around in some folder and decided to put some of them on the blog as soon as possible.

Now the attentive comicbook afficionado may have noticed that the picture above is NOT from Paradox Press' BIG BOOK OF URBAN LEGENDS but rather Daniel Clowes' cover for his comicbook on the same subject published by Dark Horse Comics. That's because the big books by Paradox Press don't really have very striking cover images to say the very least.

So I hope nobody gets too upset about this and Daniel Clowes surely can use the exposure. As for my comicbook reading history I had naturally heard of the famous comic EIGHTBALL or the story LIKE A VELVET GLOVE CAST IN IRON but I never felt the need to check out his work until I read part of his ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL in an issue of EL VIBORA. The art was not very exciting but his depiction of all the different type of fame seekers and intellectual wannabes who frequent art schools was spot on.

Anyway, I paid a bit more attention to Daniel Clowes' work from then on and I bet you have seen the movie GHOST WORLD with Steve Buscemi, Scarlett Johansson and Thora Birch from 2001 without knowing it was a comic adaptation. Incidentally it looks like ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL is going to be a movie and so far I haven't been able to either watch the movie WILSON with Woody Harrelson nor read the comic it's based on.

Coming back to the topic of urban legends, since there will be a few of these posts because I can easily throw them in between posts as this is something different from my usual posts I am starting out with the most common ones. You know, those " true stories " that have happened to a friend or a friend of a friend or some acquaintance of a friend but never to the person that is telling the story. Some of these are urban legends everybody has heard and some of them have even been used in movies.

So I hope there is something familiar to you in here but also maybe something new. As these are all " done in one " black and white stories this will be a shorter post than usual - since there are no coloured pages to go alongside the black and white art - so let's get to the good part.

One last thing, while I have been exposed to a lot of american stories through comics, books or movies I grew up in Germany and Spain so don't be surprised if some story is in here that is not well known in Amerika while other stories that are part of american pop culture are missing.

mfg ukw rem lmaa

true stuff

true links

true videos

david boring

no brainer

fall of the house of usher

supposedly based on an urban legend

gremlins

Now one movie that doesn't appear on the list of movies based on urban legends is Gremlins because it's not but you might make the case that there certainly must be quite a few urban legends about pesky gremlins.

But it is also the movie where I - and probably a few generations of little boys - first heard the urban legend of the Dad who wants to surprise his family for Christmas by dressing up as Santa Claus only to get stuck when he tries to climb down the chimney. Unable to get out the poor guy dies and on top gets roasted when the famiy fires up the chimney. This story plays a big part in fleshing out Phoebe Cates' character ( which is why it is the first urban legend I included it in this post above all others ) so I think Gremlins should at least get an honourable mention in that list.

One of the best things - if not THE best thing - in the first two Gremlin movies is without a doubt cult siren Phoebe Cates who was the IT girl and the number 1 wet dream for all males growing up in the 80s and no other female celebrity embodied the spirit of that decade like Phoebe.

Because hot Phoebe is just the total package : not only a breathtakingly stunning beauty with an easy going down to earth persona and one of the best smiles. She is also smoking hot and the nice girl next door as well as the secret oral nymphomaniac that dicktamed the entire football team.

She is as good at playing the nice girl next door we all wish we had as a girlfriend so we can introduce her to our mother in Gremlins as being the most wanted sexbomb on campus that you would make sure to never introduce her to your Dad because he would totally steal her and make her his new personal blow up sex doll in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.

On top of her incredible beauty and a body that was made for porn with its 35C - 23 - 35 measurements she is an exotic mix of russian, chinese and filipino descent so you know that she is a natural born men milking machine who can spread her long legs better than a filipino prostitute.

Just ask her husband, Kevin Kline who played a gay teacher in In & Out but is definitely not gay in real life since he hooked up with an ultimate sex machine like Phoebe Cates. Speaking of gay, the military used Phoebe Cates nude scenes from Paradise as a test to determine if somebody really was gay or only pretended to be gay until a lawyer vetoed the use of that material arguing that the sight of Phoebe Cates nude body would give even the most gay soldiers an instant erection.

Coming back to the lucky S.O.B. Kevin Kline, he married Phoebe Cates in 1989 when she was 25 and he was 41 and he has been banging her for the last 40 years. Man, that's your life goal accomplished right there !

Marry a chinese / fillipino sex goddess who is the wet sex dream of an entire generation when she is just at the right age to be legal but not too experienced and dicktame her for the next 40 years. Although I bet with her almost indestructible, tireless hasian porn body it was Phoebe who did the taming as rumours say their honeymoon - that was supposed to be only a weekend long - turned into a whole week of sweaty asian ejaculation sex matahons because Kevin could not stop banging Phoebe's brain out six ways to Sunday who is a real tornado between the sheets.

Insiders report that at the climax of their squirt orgy she was writhing in convulsions, screaming at the top of her lungs and foaming at the mouth and almost pounded him into a coma with her extreme sex techniques.

Of course Phoebe Cates made a lasting impression on teenaged Subzero when she did the full monty in the aforementioned Paradise, a movie that was trying to cash in on the success of The Blue Lagoon with 80s star Brooke Shields ( about which you can read more in this post ).

If you haven´t seen Paradise you MUST check it out ! Phoebe Cates nude scenes alone are worth the price of admission as it is the only film where she did full on nudity apart from her famous scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High where she comes out of a pool and takes her top off.

In previous posts I included a link or links - plural - to YouTube where you could watch the entire uncensored Paradise movie with Phoebe Cates in all of her glory but it seems all the available versions have been culled so I hope all my faithful followers watched it while it was still possible.

But wait, I have another video which comes from my favourite german retro channel Glotzbuster formerly known as Fetter Loser Im Exil ( I guess that makes me the official fat loser in exile on the internet now ) who takes a look at the movie with all the usual background information.

And the best thing is that we even get a preview picture for this video instead of the usual black screen that tells you that this video has been blocked for viewing on other websites and can only be seen on YouTube.

Nobody remembers this but ultimate sexbomb Brooke Shields also was in a comic movie adaption called Brenda Starr about a plucky girl reporter.

Her male co - star was none other than James Bond Timothy Dalton who starred in two more comicbook movies - Flash Gordon and The Rocketeer and if anybody remembers Brenda Starr at all it's probably because of the scene where Brenda had to escape from a boat and every teenager´s dreamgirl is soaking wet and almost has a wardrobe malfunction. OMG !

brooke shields and sherilyn fenn

flash gordon queen

flash gordon the comic

flash gordon the serial

flash gordon the episodes

flash gordon 80s movie

and the flesh gordon movie

anne marie martin the shape of things to come I already included the german dubbed version of the movie in the pop culture trivia / cult siren section of my ( still unfinished ) GOODBYE GERMANY : LEGION DER SUPERHELDEN post from May 2023 which was more than two years ago so it's due for a return visit

IF I WAS A HAMMER I'D HAMMER ANNE - MARIE MARTIN IN THE MORNING

Speaking of very shapely things, if the actress who plays Kim Smedley looks familiar that's because it's the extremely shapely Anne - Marie Martin who appeared in the Tom Selleck sci fi vehicle Runaway and the ill - fated Doctor Strange tv pilot although she is best known as the cast member who could have made a real fortune working the stripper pole and who got one leg up ( although all horny male viewers dreamt of her putting both legs high up ) as Sgt. Dori Doreau, the hardbody of the law with legs almost up to her chin on the hit comedy show Sledge Hammer.

We all dreamed of her assuming the position so we could give her a full cavity search. The canadian blow up sex doll honed her incredible curves as a horse riding world championship contender for America so she is an expert breaking in broncos, taming breeding stallions ( especially those with an insatiable third leg ), natural insemination and dressage riding.

This comes in handy in my favorite episode, Model Dearest in which Dori Doreau goes undercover as a bikini model which thoroughbred stud mare Anne Marie Martin pulls off easily thanks to her bonerinducing bikinibody.

No wonder the horny sheik who " buys " Dori can't help but comment : " She will be a wife AND a mistress ! " when he sees her in all her glory.

Apropos Dori being auctioned off to become the love slave of a rich pasha, with Sledge Hammer's innate bumbling nature - remember that he almost blows her cover when he sees her model pictures at the fake model agency - I always fantasized about what would happen if Sledge would arrive too late and Dori would have been already shipped away to a future position of living party favour for the sheik's many horny guests.

Especially at the uninhibited sex orgies his business partners would be invited to where ultimate sexbombs with enticing stripper moves that would make even the most seasoned porn super stars blush performed steamy stripteases that made Salome's famous " dance of the seven veils " look like a Kindergarten dance apt for the whole family by comparison.

As a boob lover the sheik's personal harem - which is where Dori Doreau was supposed to end up - was full of exceptionally big breasted women who were pumped two times - first full of very potent illegal sex drugs and a second time by the huge monstercocks of the sheik's guests who were totally out of control ganging up on the women assaulting their holes up to four schlongs at the same time and stretching them out.

Now the reason why Sledge would come too late - no pun intended - to prevent Dori Doreau being shipped off as a penetration pleasure pet was that he and the task force he assembled stumbled upon the agency's secret underground " taming facility " also known as " Deepthroat High " where the unsuspecting models were " broken in " by the henchmen of the agency's boss ( who were the elite of the most brutal serial rapists around the world ) before getting special classes by phillipino prostitutes about how to spread their legs and milk schlongs dry until the last drop.

During their " taming period " the hapless girls were also used for " recreational purposes " by the model agency's male employees on their lunch breaks and after work who were encouraged to use this perk as often as they could since they were usually quite brutal and relentless which - according to the boss - sped up their indoctrination process.

To that end a lot of the girls were blindfolded and handcuffed to beds in a soundproof chamber so when Sledge Hammer and his fellow police men came upon these rooms with rows upon rows of beds that had naked exotic Busenwunders from every corner of the world that could easily triplicate the sales numbers of any adult magazine ( since the whole scam was to trap girls who could be Playmates Of The Year ) lying on their backs and being totally incapacitated while spreading their legs - who on top of that had just been hosed down and oiled up so they were ready to be used and abused in any which way - a few of the cops could not help themselves and started " sampling the merchandise quality ".

Of course Sledge would have none of that - although he was seriously tempted to participate in the impromptu fuck marathon when he came across a woman who looked like Dori Doreau's big - breasted younger twin only with longer legs and was so pumped up on sex drugs that she immediately started giving him a double breasted deepthroat massage.

After handcuffing her to a bed while he was on the brink of squirting like a fire hose he tried his best to prevent the cops from further using the already abused girls. But there were a lot of these rooms and he could not be everywhere at the same time so it took Sledge a while to bring things under control and by the time all the girls had been freed and put into busses that were supposed to bring them to the next police station the bad guys had already fled the country with dicktaming Dori in tow.

Although most of the cops drove them to the nearest subway underpass so nobody could hear the girls scream at the top of their lungs while the police men took turns slam - fucking the sluts senseless against the glass.

Needless to say that by this point Dori Doreau had already been gagged, hogtied and put on a freighter to the Middle East. Because the sheik was so smitten with Dori he took it upon himself to dicktame her and spent the next weeks relentlessly drilling every orifice of her body making her go through all of the positions of the Kama Sutra, the Ananga Ranga, the complete Tantra Sex Bible, Joy Of Sex and the vulcan Pon Farr guides.

Thankfully Dori Doreau had spend some time at the vice squad as bait for serial rapists and since her partners always " accidentally " arrived after the perverted perps had their way with her and she could not offer any resistance when the cops took turns sexually assaulting her for the rest of the night she managed to bear the pervert's powerful pussy pounding.

She even managed to escape by deepthroating the chef eunuch until she had successfully reversed his castration - which luckily was of a chemical instead of a surgical nature - and then slam - fucking him into a coma.

Speaking about wet sex dream Anne - Marie Martin's flawless body, there are sadly only a few episodes where she gets to spotlight it like in the pilot episode where she disarms a perp with an mindblowing high kick exposing her perfectly shaped legs or in episode 12 of the second season called Icebreaker where she has a date with Adam Ant in an incredible strapless black dress. Another one which eluded me for the longest time is one where she and Sledge go to a sauna to interrogate an informant and because of the hot steam their clothes shrink later. Especially Dori Doreau's long skirt turns into a micro skirt revealing Anne - Marie Martin's gorgeous gams. Boy, who said that she has legs for miles wasn't kidding.

But now I finally found it, it's episode 9 of the first season called Magnum Farce which is of course a spoof of the second Dirty Harry movie with Clint Eastwood titled Magnum Force and Anne - Marie Martin's short leg revealing scene is around the six minute mark.

I have mentioned Sledge Hammer - and especially canadian Sexbombe Anne - Marie Martin - a few times on the blog over the years but newer blog visitors might want to check out my Bill Ward tribute post in 2022 where you can not only find an episode of Ayer Nomas about the show but also more stuff about the Sledge Hammer comic by Marvel Comics.