Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Happy birthday cult siren Teri Hatcher

Since there has been a lack of DC content ever since I discontinued my series of John Byrne´s revamp on Superman in 1986 I just had to make a post on not - so - desperate MILF housewife Teri Hatcher´s 51st birthday.

Okay, I´m not actually doing this on Teri´s birthday since it took me a few days to make new animated GIFs. Preparing for this post I found a whole plethora of Teri Hatcher GIFs but most were not the ones I was looking for. I already posted a few GIFs in previous posts but in going and re - reading the post I had to admit that the GIFs were too fast. I don´t know what the reason is for that but it seems that when you upload a video to make a GIF it speeds up too much. And you have no input on how fast the GIF turns out. So the only alternative was to make a GIF by using screen shots which means that I had to go through the videos frame by frame, saving them all and then making a GIF. That way you can control how fast - or slow - the GIF is but understandably it takes a lot of time. Now I tried to keep the number of GIFs at a minimum because too many of them prevent the page from loading properly. I still have to go through all the Teri Hatcher GIFs I found and maybe I can put them into next year´s post.

Now you may ask what Teri Hatcher has to do with Superman and the revamped Superman in particular as to Today´s audience she´s probably best know for the parts on the James Bond flick TOMORROW NEVER DIES, Susan Mayer / Delfino on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES or her appearances on TWO AND A HALF MEN and SEINFELD as Seinfeld´s girlfriend with the real ( and spectacular ) breasts, a role which she reprised a few years later.

But people from my generation first became aware of Teri Hatcher on LOIS & CLARK - THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN based on the new version of the Superman books where Lois Lane was one of the characters who profited the most from the fallout of CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS. 

In the old comics Lois Lane was more of a story telling device always either trying to prove that Superman was Clark Kent or getting him to marry her. Most often than not she tried both at the same time.

She and Lana Lang also got super powers every other day and in most cases Lois was handling them terribly. Because they were women ....

Or she was so good with them that she was a much better hero than Superman which lead to a huge inferior complex. In one case it was so harsh on Kal - El that she left earth forever so he could be a hero again.

Anyway, when I read the first SHOWCASE PRESENTS SUPERMAN FAMILY I noticed why it was cheaper than the other volumes. There are only very few issues of SUPERMAN´S GIRLFRIEND LOIS LANE in it which are way more fun to read than the Jimmy Olsen stories. It´s always the same : Jimmy gets in some kind of jam and in the end Superman has to bail him out. The Lois Lane stories are way more fun especially those drawn by Kurt Schaffenberger. He has a very cartoonesque style and the more inventive stories look much rather like spoofs from an issue of MAD magazine than stories from the actual continuity of the DC universe.

Lois has all kinds of adventures and while she always returns to the status quo ( which makes most of the stories where she marries Superman or some famous guy a dream, a hoax or an imaginary story ) Lois Lane gets around from ancient Egypt to Sherwood Forrest and the outer reaches of the solar system. But while the things that happen in those stories stretch the imagination the goals of Lois are always the same : get married, have kids, be a good housewife, she never escapes the traditional role models.

John Byrne´s Lois Lane on the other hand is a very emancipated woman, she´s very successful in her job and in fact she is the top dog at the Daily Planet until the arrival of Clark Kent. She also doesn´t immediately fall heads over heels for Superman although she tries to find out more.

This version of Lois was pretty much the blueprint for her character on LOIS & CLARK - THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN : the tough ace reporter, just as ready to use her fists to get info as her curvaceous body. I mean, Lois´ hotness is established right from the start in the pilot episode when she tries to get an exclusive interview from Lex Luthor.

Teri Hatcher was the first actress who for me made it understandable what Superman saw in a lowly mortal. If you ask anybody who Superman should be with everybody says JLA hotties like Big Barda,Wonder Woman, Starfire or Zatanna. That's just natural. These godlike beings can only be with another ..... like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They can't be with normal people because they would just burn up. It's like staring into the sun. But when Lois looks like Teri it's understandable that Clark likes her. 

I think the only comic that REALLY managed to explain why somebody like Superman would choose somebody like Lois Lane is not even an actual DC comic book but LOVE AND CAPES by Thomas F. Zahler over at IDW.

Anyway, another thing the tv series explained is why Lois never found out who " Smallville " really was. I mean for that she would have to look at Clark and how could she if someone like Superman was around ?

Most people say : " In the real world Lois would immediatelly see that Clark is Superman. " You know what ? In the real world Lois would be like : " Clark who ? Oh, you mean Smallville ? Hmm, can't remember what he looks like. But of course he's not Superman. Don't be ridiculous. "

She always called Clark " Smallville " to remind him of his small town roots ( I always found it strange how some people consider them above other people because they come from a bigger city and therefore are more sophisticated but I guess this is something that is ingrained in american culture ) and the reason why she never suspected that he was really Superman was that she never paid much attention to Clark Kent.

Well, aside from the episode where they all got hit by pheromones.

Teri Hatcher really got great legs, fantastic legs, in fact they dominate the scene in such a way that you totally overlook Teri´s other ASSets.

Now I said in previous posts that Teri´s breat performance on the show is in that very episode PHEROMONE, MY LOVELY ( season 1, episode 10 ) and it´s hard to beat Teri dolled up as a busty drugged out harem girl.

But I think Teri managed to top that with flying colors in BARBARIANS AT THE PLANET ( season 1, episode 20 ) which is their version of DIE HARD.

Which at that point every tv show was doing. Now while Teri Hatcher is wearing a really revealing dress the episode in itself is one of the best episodes where the actors can use the quiet moments and the confined space to flesh out their characters a bit more ( no pun intended ). It´s an episode where the writers used one of the flaws of Superman most people forget : he can´t act as Superman all the time if he wants to keep his secret identity of Clark Kent. He has to act like a normal human being and even has to save Lex Luthor´s life with heat vision in this episode.

Combined with Cat Grant, played by the bodacious Tracy Scoggins, who acts as the comic relief in this episode, this is an episode you will have to watch at least twice to fully appreciate Lois´ dress that shows much of Teri Hatcher´s stunning physique at just about the right camera angle.

Teri is still racktastic, what she did show on the hit tv show DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, especially in the episode with the famous " I´m not a stripper ! " scene where she crashes a party and is mistaken for that.

Naturally that was the first season I bought and although I got all the ones afterwards I still haven´t gotten the first ones. I always found it strange that Teri didn´t go to another hit tv show right after LOIS AND CLARK since she clearly showed that she has the ability to head a show. Well, Hollywood is strange in that regard but luckily Teri landed on the Wisteria Lane where she made history again. At first I was planning on watching the show only for the parts with her but the good writing, the fascinating characters and not the least the murder mystery story ( the series builds up quite a body count with all the people who kick the bucket ) soon had me hooked. I have to confess that I haven´t watched the last two seasons so there are still a few good scenes with Teri Hatcher to look forward to.

Talking about things on my " to do " list, Teri Hatcher also was involved with another comic related movie, namely the animated version of Neil Gaiman´s CORALINE where she did the voice of the other mother.

Well, it IS comic related since Neil Gaiman started writing comics like SANDMAN and the book was later adapted as a comic by P. Craig Russell.

Which is obviously not the part on my " to do " list since I already have the CORALINE trifecta ( the book, the comic and the movie ) and I read and watched it all. But Neil Gaiman wrote another book called THE GRAVEYARD BOOK which only recently came out as a comic by P. Craig Russell and others like Kevin Nolan, Tony Harris, Scott Hampton and Jill Thompson.

Okay, maybe not just recently but it was published in two volumes and I have had it in my amazon shopping cart for months without buying it.

Which says nothing about the quality of the graphic novel but more about my financial situation because my shopping cart is full with comics I would love to buy. But because my budget is seriously limited I have to wait until they end up in the bargain books section. Which most of them end up in sooner or later. Anyway, last week I was in Ludwigsburg for some last minute Christmas shopping at the Aigner book shop because the FANTASY STRONGHOLD has taken up shop in the lower level. Strangely enough I didn´t find anything interesting there so I went back up to the regular book store section where I found several interesting books and comics.

It´s really strange that even now when they have a honest to god comic book shop downstairs the really interesting comics - at least for me - are in the book store´s comic section. So because I didn´t have enough money on me I had to go to a cash machine and come back to the shop. I bought a cartoon book as a Christmas gift and also the german version of the comic adaption of THE GRAVEYARD BOOK. Usually I don´t go for the german translations but this was a hardcover and it includes both volumes which is better to read and looks nicer on the shelf than two paperbacks. 

Now I have read the book but so far I haven´t had the time to read the comic. What I really like is that, as far as I saw from flipping through the comic, while they have eight different artists they have managed to give it a consistent look. Normally you can clearly see where one artist starts and another takes over. Here I had to look at the chapter headings. 

The Neil Gaiman comic that is still in my shopping cart is THE SANDMAN : OVERTURE DELUXE EDITION, again, not because I don´t think it´s good but because right now I have to be careful with spending money and I think the work is worth springing the extra bucks for the deluxe edition.

Since we are on the subject of comics of the creepier variety Teri Hatcher also starred in The Thing from the Grave on TALES FROM THE CRYPT. As a special treat I tried to find the original comic on which the episode was based but I could not find it and even at TV.COM . What they do have is the original text story Out of the Grave on which the comic was based. 

But fear not if you wanted to read a horror spin because while looking for the original comic I came upon a few other interesting posts. The LEWIS LANE GALLERY has the original art pages for the complete seven page story The Craving Grave ! by Joe Orlando from TALES FROM THE CRYPT 39 and THE HORRORS OF IT ALL offers a double whammy - or two double whammies as each post contains two stories. It should be no surprise since a lot of horror stories must have the word " thing " or " grave " in their title. The first is The Thing in the Graveyard and Third Grave on the Right and the second is Zombie Magic and The Thing from the Grave .

After so much gloom and doom I want to end the post on a lighter note so here is a GIF from Teri Hatcher´s erotic dance on TANGO & CASH.

Now you might ask why this is not included in my Top Ten Movie Striptease list but I don´t think it qualifies as a striptease because she only takes her top of. Admittedly, Halle Berry also doesn´t get topless in LAST BOY SCOUT but at least she had pasties on. Her breasts were not naked but it qualifies as it´s the next best thing. If Teri would have done the same she might be part of the list but as it is I will not include her for the moment.

That said Teri was in prime physical condition when she shot this as you can see clearly by the fact that her bra tries to contain her rotund twin torpedoes in vain which are slipping out of it in every possible direction.

So this was my celebrity birthday post for Teri Hatcher which turned out much longer and work intensive than I had planned - as usual - and I can only add : Happy birthday Teri Hatcher and many happy returns ! We start Today´s video section with a clip from CORALINE that features the character Teri did in the movie. This is a fantastic movie and required viewing for Neil Gaiman fans and anybody who likes animated movies.

Since I mentioned it here is The Thing from the Grave from TALES FROM THE CRYPT. I really liked the show but I will have to buy this in Spain because the german FSK cut down the episodes beyond recognition.

Another clip with Teri Hatcher, this one from AMERICAN IDOL where she shows that she has many talents. I just wish it was in better quality.

There are not too many occassions when I can post a video with Neil Gaiman so here is one where he talks about CORALINE and SANDMAN.

And speaking about CORALINE, here is Teri on The Jimmy Kimmel Show promoting the movie and looking totally stunning. Which you probably can´t really see - again - because of the bad quality of the video.

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Terry Hooper-Scharf said...

EXCELLENT post! The mammaries...uh,memories. Halle Berry -you HAVE seen Swordfish, right?? Not much hiding there. And Wolverine gets a blowj---or was it Hugh Jackman? No idea.
Love those old Lois Lanes but used to get annoyed that she had to keep calling Superman to save her!! Oh....and becoming a black woman for a story....oy!

SUBZERO said...

Oooops. I think I edited the part about Lois Lane becoming a black woman for a story out because the post was getting a bit long and I had mentioned it in a previous post. I would have kept it in if I had something new to add.