Monday, March 14, 2016

Happy birthday cult siren Kiana Tom !

Today one of tv´s hottest fitness babes celebrates her 51st birthday : Kiana Tom, mostly known for making men drool on FLEX APPEAL.

Of course like most shows with hot sexbombs FLEX APPEAL didn´t air in Germany. As I understand it - at least from the commentaries on the internet and later from the clips I could watch through the internet - the biggest pull of the show was Kiana Tom herself and her firm puppies ( 36Ds ! ) stretching the thin fabric of her tiny tops in a most fetching way.

According to wikipedia she was an original member of the ESPN fitness show " BodyShaping " until 1995 when she left to host " Kiana's Flex Appeal ". Being that her stunning 36D - 23 - 35 measurements were the only reason anybody watched " BodyShaping " in the first place, her show eventually became the more popular one. She has written a number of books on the subject of physical fitness and she even posed for Playboy magazine. In addition to hosting, she has made a few appearances on screen as an actress, most notably in Universal Soldier: The Return.

She also was on other shows like BLADE WARRIORS but I mostly missed the show because of work. But I caught a few episodes and I can say she really looks good in those. In fact, since I didn´t know she was born in Hawaii I cast her as Psylocke in multiple comic book casting posts.

Yeah, I know you´re probably tired of hearing me say that but asian girls are my kryptonite. And by assessory all exotic looking sexbombs. Damn, that´s one of the reasons cosplay queen Yaya Han still hasn´t gotten her own post. I want to give her props but I´m afraid it will turn into porn.

Which I have to look out for on basically any post involving hot cosplay girls if I don´t want to look like a pervert. Anyway, back to Kiana Tom. 

Born in Maui, Hawaii, she is the daughter of Chinese American child actor, Layne Tom Jr. She is part Chinese, Hawaiian and Irish. She was a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Raiders before becoming a TV personality.

As an actress her most famous part was in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2 or UNIVERSAL SOLDIER - THE RETURN how it is sometimes called were her short bit part at the beginning is the only redeeming value of the flick.

In the scene Jean Claude Van Damme and Kiana Tom´s character Maggie are running an exercise run against the universal soldiers. They are separated and Kiana Tom is captured by wrestler Goldberg. Now I don´t know where the logic is here as he´s supposed to be some kind of cyborg but he does what any healthy man would do in his situation. Namely tie the helpless Kiana Tom whose shirt reveals a really huge bulge to a tree.

But it gets even better as Goldberg ( named Romeo in the movie which might explain why he tries to get it on with Kiana ) rips open her shirt !

Now that´s what I call entertainment : we´re only six minutes into the movie and we already see Kiana´s bra - clad melons exposed ( sadly she doesn´t go bra - less although she definitely has the hardbody to pull it off, but since she doesn´t show more skin it is the erotic highlight ). It is just a quick glimpse, but you can see that Kiana really doesn´t have much to be ashamed of because those perfect heavenly hangers look amazing !

Like I said, this doesn´t make much sense since Goldberg is supposed to be some kind of machine here but as an AVENGERS fan I also bought that the Scarlett Witch has such a hot body that even an android got horny. As well as everybody else in the Marvel universe when the only women were her, the Wasp and Susan Storm. Looking back on old AVENGERS issues it´s kind of weird that all her male teammates had the hots for her.

Even her own brother it seems which is something they picked up again in ULTIMATES. Which was so oversexed and badly written that this really didn´t matter. But back in the day Wanda was the go - to damsel in distress and the top item for a villain´s bachelor base was probably to have her chained to a bed naked. I mean I get that all the villains like Arkon wanted to mate with her. Okay, in the comics they only kidnapped her but guess what they intended to do with her. Which wasn´t in the least bit awkward when it was revealed that Magneto was her father. Yes, that´s one way how writing as you make things up can bite you in the ass.

Now all those times Magneto had Wanda under his spell and tried to turn her into his lust slave look really weird. Of course he played the old amnesia card but the truth is he probably knew all along that old dog.

For more on the Scarlet Witch the website SCARLET WITCHING has a post about The entire histoy of Wanda and Magneto´s relationship and THE PEERLESS POWER OF COMICS has an entry on her hex powers and her first glimpses as a villainess under John Byrne. You see ? Long before Bendis made Wanda a reality altering super mutant it was established that everything was possible for her ( she even had twins with an android ) and that she´s so hot she made her own father and a machine horny.

So maybe the producers use the same logic since Kiana´s mindboggling curves can overcome any programming. She´s so hot she melts metal !

The only thing that brings this down is that some sources claim that Kiana used a boob double for the scene. Which is hard to believe since it really isn´t necessary. Dammit, Kiana´s body is banging and if you check out the frames just before her pigeons fly loose you can see her big bust. So the only reason why they would have used a double would be that she was too erotic and they shot somebody with a smaller chest. I´m no expert on chest sizes especially when it comes to american chest sizes but I just like to believe that we get to see the real Kiana here. And if not then I stick to the theory that Kiana´s at least as gifted as her body double or that her chest is even bigger because otherwise it makes no sense.

In any case I´d like to get more information on who was her body double for the scene since she must also be a pretty hot number. Back to the scene, there isn’t a whole lot of skin here, but the bra busting moment might have you doing some serious Van Dammage to your man region !

As for her role in the film, Maggie is hardly used ( no pun intended ) and many reviewer bemoan that she didn´t get naked. I don´t know where the producers are coming from as they fumbled one of the biggest pulls of the movie when they decide not to make her a bigger part of the movie but some people suspect that one of the reasons why she is dumped so quickly in the movie is so the target audience doesn't have to deal with the suggestion of a mixed race relationship. Which I find a bit hard to believe since this really is no precedent in the history of US movies.

Secondly, it really doesn´t make any sense since what everybody hoped to see was more of Kiana Tom. Heck, I even found some fan fiction where Goldberg is not interrupted by JVCD ( typically he appears at the worst moment so we don´t see more of Kiana´s stunning physique ) and gets to unveil more of Kiana´s body before going down on her. And to show that others agree with me, here are some excerpts from various reviews :

After one of the most ridiculous opening jet - ski, machine gun scenes in cinema history, Kiana Tom's shirt got ripped open for a much too short bra shot. I immediately thought this movie, like sexpot Kiana, had potential.

The film opens with what the filmmakers hope is a pulse - pounding jaunt up a river, a jaunt filled with explosions, stunts, gunfire, and the briefest glimpse of Tom's incredibly fit form. As the mission grinds to a halt we learn several important things : Kiana Tom is incredibly hot but can't act her way out of a paper bag, JCVD has a daughter named Hillary who you just know will get into trouble at some point, and the only soldiers we must pay attention to are Goldberg and Michael Jai White.

Frankly, turning off the film immediately after glimpsing Tom's amazing physique is a good thing. Everything that follows is dull, predictable, and so full of plot holes as to defy description. " Universal Soldier 2 " feels like eighty minutes of dental surgery rather than an action film.

Plot holes in this film are innumerable, as uncountable as grains of sand on the beach or acne on a teenager's face, but let's instead discuss the performances - or the lack thereof. I should say I adore Kiana Tom; she's drop dead gorgeous with a body that could stop the earth's rotation, but watching her stumble through dialogue is like having your appendix taken out through your mouth. Another problem is the lumbering Bill Goldberg, whose " funny " lines are anything but. And the more I think about Heidi Schanz, the less I think of her. You have to wonder about a film where Jean Claude Van Damme is the best thespian in the cast.

Here I hoped that Heidi Schanz was the name german Playboy centerfold Nadine Tschantz used in Hollywood since they tend to have difficulties with german names ( as some playmates have used other names to break into the business ) but this is a totally different woman that doesn´t quite share her physical qualities - or her proneness to get naked on celluloid.

Before we end the topic of the movie I can´t withhold what one reviewer refers to as the Jean Claude Van Damme Matrix for reviewing movies :

 The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix ( JCVD - RM )

1. Who is he ?

Luc Devereaux, the only remaining UNISOL from the first experiment. He now serves as technical expert to UNISOL 2500, the second generation, which has resulted in a stronger, faster, more deadly warrior.

2. Which family member / friend must be avenged ?

Not only does Dr. Dylan Cotner ( Xander Berkeley ) - the lead project scientist - get fried, but his daughter also falls into danger.

3. Does he take his shirt off ?

No, but Romeo, the alpha male of all the UNISOLs, is constantly shirtless. And Kiana´s shirt gets ripped off, although she wears a bra in the scene.

4. Does he have sex with a C - List actress ?

I hoped that there'd be copulation with his partner Maggie ( Kiana Tom ), but sad disappointment hit me when the credits rolled. Really guys, which producer who´s in his right mind passes up an opportunity to get a body like this naked ? Let´s just be realistic here. If a hot exotic sexbomb like Kianna with a pornstar hardbody that just won´t quit was my co - worker I´d spend all my free time slam - banging the living daylights out of her.

5. Is there a tournament ?

No structured tournament.

6. Is training needed for this tournament ?

As a regeneration from the first experiment, all the training he needs.

7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament ?

The splits are in full force when JCVD delivers a sack - stretching spin kick to SETH ( Michael Jai White ) - Self - Evolving Thought Helix - the computer system controlling the new genetically enhanced soldiers that implanted its programming and consciousness into human form.

8. Does he punch someone in the balls ?

Since the UNISOLs don't feel pain, but need to breathe, the throat - shot replaces the groin - shot in this one.

9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks ?

OMG ! I'm dizzy !

10. Is his enemy unbeatable ?

SETH isn't quite SkyNet, and the UNISOLs aren't quite Terminators; so, JCVD has a manageable, yet difficult foe.

11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance ?

While Luc is battling the new and improved UNISOL army, he has to contend with an beautiful but irritating reporter named Erin.

12. Does he win ?

Judgment day averted.

And that´s all I´m going to say on the subject of UNIVERSAL SOLDIER II.

If the rumours on the internet can be trusted Kiana Tom is a very private person but still very business savy. And she waited with doing the pictures for PLAYBOY till she decided that she was in the best physical condition ( May of 2002 ). And I have to say : Thank you very much for that, Kiana !

Too many celebrities never grab the chance to do nude pictures when they are really in good condition, when their banging bodies are in their prime.

Then, twenty years ( or thirty years ) later their biological clock starts ticking, they want to prove they still look good and do some pictures.

Well, how are we supposed to come to a qualified decision ? We don´t know how she looked when she was young and sexy. So please girls, do some nude shots while you look good. Otherwise there is no proof.

Once again, time to wrap things up. As always I managed to talk about a lot of other stuff than Kiana Tom, but since the post is just an excuse to post as many pictures of her as possible I wanna wish her many returns !

Since I already did an all Kiana Tom video section in last year´s post I´ll do the usual selection this year. You can find a plethora of Kiana Tom videos on YouTube but to add something new here are two GIFs of Kiana.

I had to at least include one video with Today´s birthday sexbomb so here is one with Kiana Tom showing off her stunning physique in a bikini.

Space Girl is a video series I just recently discovered so you might already have heard of it. There are various episodes and making ofs on YouTube starring Lauren Franchesca as the busty heroine. I´m not sure in which order the videos are supposed to be watched but as far as I can tell this episode takes place right after she is swallowed by the Iron Giant. There is an origin episode but since it is not revealed if she is an original or one of the many clones we see I´m not sure if it´s the first episode. Apart from Lauren´s obvious charm and proneness to loose great parts of her wardrobe the production values are extremely good and the writing delivers the kind of retro style classic sci fi adventures I would like to see in a comic. According to imdb this was a tv series but I never heard of it.

When I first saw the picture below ( without the text, mind you ) I thought this was THE best STAR WARS cosplay ever. Holey Moley !!!

Instead it is a burlesque show about Star Wars that seems to be quite successful and they are playing their new show The Empire Strips Back.

Now with our next video I´m 100 percent sure it´s cosplay because it features international cosplay icon Yaya Han. She is one of the celebrities where looking for fake nude pictures on the internet is just an enourmous waste of time since what you find can never be as good as the real thing.

Speaking about nude pictures of Yaya Han there are some pictures of banker / model Li Ling Ling from Singapore a.k.a. Busty Singaporean ( 38DD - 25 - 34 ) on the internet which were supposedly " leaked " by an IT person who was repairing her laptop. For some reason these pictures are on various adult websites under the title of " nude pictures of Yaya Han ".

Coming back from the faked Yaya Han to the real deal I couldn´t find a video with her with all the ones I bookmarked which means I already posted the video with her cosplaying as the Scarlet Witch or I just can´t find it. In any case here is a rather new one I found and I tried to make a better animated GIF than the one above but right now imgflip does not work properly and I had to restart my computer to make the one above.

Since the full video of Carol Vorderman´s stunning rendition of Spandau Ballet´s classic hit Gold from Lip Sync Battle UK that has been requested numerous times by one reader has been deleted from YouTube here is her breastaking appearance as a host at the 2010 Pride of Britain Awards.

New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best

I used to hate being different. I used to cry. I wanted to be blonde - haired and blue - eyed like all my girlfriends. My Mom and Dad would feel so badly. " No, it´s O.K. You´ll be happy you´re different later. "

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