Sunday, April 30, 2006

My X - Men Team or All I wanna do is zoom zoom on your boom boom, Boom Boom

Over at DAVE`S LONGBOX X-Men week has gone into overtime and has now reached the topic everybody knew was coming sooner or later. You can´t have X - Men week without selecting your favorite X - Men team.

While I can´t argue with Dave´s selection for the all-star team I tried to come up with my own team of the Un - X - pected X - Men. Now if I could select a team of X - Men seven members would not be enough for me. So I decided to bend the rules here to include two more members but it´s for a good reason. To make up for this I applied the " no Wolverine allowed " rule which means he would only appear in every third issue of the series.

So first there are the two special members : Nightcrawler and Gambit. Now if you know me you might say : But SUBZERO, you hate Gambit. Why do you want to have him in your team ? The answer is simple. To kill him off in the most painful and spectacular way I can think of in the first three pages of every issue. Isn´t that the best way to start an issue ?

You´re on page three and Gambit´s already dead - now the real fun can begin. And Nightcrawler would be the team leader but not on the missions because .... come on, he´s german and we germans are always good Führers aren´t we ? This way he would at least speak proper german ( but only when swearing ) and he would be still around whenever I want him to be without the need to be always in the spotlight of the story.

 Now to the regular seven team members. The boys were very easy.

First of all comes Morph from the Age of Apocalypse. I still haven´t read the EXILES issues but I just have to include him because he´s the coolest, the funniest, he has the biggest heart and always has a funny line.

You just have to have one funny character and it helps that he can take on every size, shape or form. He can look like anybody and is therefore the ultimate spy. It always pays off to have someone with his skills on a team.

So Morph, you´re in.

Number two is Doug Ramsey, Cypher. As an old New Mutants fan ( which was by the way the BEST young hero team book ever written by Marvel ) I just have to include Doug but not the actual comic version but how the character should have been written from the start. I could now go on at length what a great team member he would be but somebody at Dave´s Longbox already put it into words and in a much better way than I would ever be able. So I´m shamelessly quoting now : I would put Doug Ramsey on my team any day. Seriously. I don't think the writers every fully utilized his abilities. A character who could understand ANY language would be a natural born leader.

Think about it. He would automatically know what his team would need to hear to inspire and command them. He would instinctively know what buttons to push to cajole or intimidate, without the icky intrusiveness of mind reading. He would be a human lie detector or know when to attack by reading an opponent's body language. He would be the ultimate lady's man, because he would know exactly what words to say, and what or where to touch to make them drawers come flyin' off! Doug Ramsey could stop a riot without raising a finger, walk into Kabul and find Osama Bin Laden by sitting down and having a nice chat over tea, or persuade Galactus to become a vegetarian without raising his voice. Doug Ramsey would be a no-nonsense, plain-spoken, lovin', fightin' machine, because he wouldn't have the time or inclination to deal with BS. Don't deny it, baby, 'cause you know it's true!

Couldn´t have said it better. But he would not be the team leader.

Cypher, you´re in.

Cannonball is number three but not the dressman version who was full of self doubts and all starstruck when he became a member of the X - Men. My team would have the earlier version with the big ears and the ultimate leader skills. The one whom Xavier called in EXECUTIONER´S SONG one of the most dangerous mutants on the planet because not only did he learn from Xavier himself he was combat trained by Magneto AND Cable.

He knows all the tricks and is a master tactician. He is invulnerable and he even knocked out Gladiator. So he would be my team leader and since he had kind of a " surrogate father / son " relationship going on with Wolverine this would also be good for the issues when Wolverine guest stars. They could go on a few ultrasecret missions deemed too hardcore for the other X - Men. Something like a cross between Ultimates and Authority on acid. And he has history with Cypher who would therefore have no problems following his orders. So Cannonball, you´re in.

Like I said, the guys were easy. For the women I needed a little more time since there are so many I like : Storm, Rogue, etc. But I can´t take em all because then it would be an all - women team. So I decided to take one female from the all - stars and take the other three from the b - list.

Girl number one is Blink. Like Morph she was in Age of Apocalypse where she just made the transformation from shy character to cool kick - ass überbabe. She´s one of my favorite X - girls and she can teleport.

So I don´t need Nightcrawler on the actual missions because you don´t need two teleporters. And she and Morph really mesh. You see ? It all makes sense. Blink, you´re in.

Psylocke is the female member from the all - star team who fills the role of super sexy ninja babe as good as the position of team telepath.

Because you just need a telepath on the X - Men. That´s a rule. Somebody has to relay Cannonball´s orders to the rest of the team and keep in contact with Xavier and the other team members.

Also, she´s a seasoned pro who has faced everything from Sentinels to the adversary. And she has come back from the dead twice already which has to count for something.

So Psylocke, you are in, mamacita.

The third girl is the " what the f - word ? " surprise member you would never have guessed in a million years : Namorita. That´s right.

It has been revealed that Namor was the first mutant of the Marvel Universe and since Namorita turned out to not be his cousin but kind of a clone that´s good enough for the " mutant by association " rule. Hey, if Hawkeye is a mutant now than why can´t Namorita be one ? Not only is she one of the hottest woman in the Marvel Universe she is also superstrong, can breathe underwater ( no wonder with that set of lungs ) and flies. And someone has to carry Doug Ramsey or Psylocke. She looks ultrahot in a swimsuit  although if it was my choice she would wear this.

And before you call " foul " or call me a pervert or something worse the guys at Marvel put her in this costume, not me. The Bronze Age rules !

Okay, technically speaking she only wears this on the cover of this issue but you ca see her in her full metal - bikini glory ( two years BEFORE the slave Leia outfit took over our collective minds ) in the very next issue.

As Doctor Andy notes in his post on the issue Namorita is not wearing this when Tiger Shark kidnapped her, so it´s very possible that some serious sexual harassment happened here.What I wonder is if Namorita did not have it on her did it come from Tiger Shark´s own private collection ?

Namorita also sported her Follet Tortuga bra in MARVEL TWO - IN - ONE 2.

She has a similar metal bikini / harem girl outfit in SUPER VILLAIN TEAM UP  9 and AVENGERS 155 . Doctor Doom approved of her court attire.

They later made her skin blue and did some other weird stuff to her but she looks hot any which way so : Namorita Prentis .... you´re in.

With that we come to the final member of my handpicked X - Men team.

Now I have really saved the best for last because the number one girl on my X-Men team is also a supersexy blonde with two special attributes.

Now THAT´S really a dynamic duo. Tabitha Smith, a.k.a. Boom Boom is the Power Girl of the New Mutants ( and later X-Force ) and I´m sure the guys on the team suggested her codename when she hit puberty and her mutant powers were not the only things that developed tremendously.

I can just picture her thinking : " I wonder why all the boys just call me Boom Boom even when I´m not in costume. Maybe Tabitha really IS difficult to remember. " I don´t think any of her teammates digressed.

You just have to love a girl with the name of a stripper who also happens to have the booming body ( and sometimes the wardrobe ) to go with it.

It´s all about the boom booms. Even the insufferable Deadpool said the only reason there were cameras in every room of X-Force´s headquarters was that Cable was getting off on watching Tabitha putting her uncovered giant boom booms on the glass in the shower. And who could blame him ?

She was Cannonball´s girlfriend so the two could get re-aquainted in the danger room´s x-rated marathon midnight olympics sessions. Although the name would then have to be changed to " do not disturb room " .

Boom Boom ( her name subsequently changed to Boomer and later to Timebomb and Meltdown when Marvel realized that women could find superheroines who wear stripper names a tad bit insulting ) can make timebombs which is always good because blowing stuff up kicks ass.

Of course she could use her boom booms to distract bad guys provided she wears the right outfit. So Boom Boom ... you are most definitely in.

I have just realized one thing : Blink, Morph, a Doug Ramsey who is alive and has greater control of his mutant power, Cannonball with the big ears, Psylocke, Namorita and Boom Boom on my team ? I´m not writing X-Men I´m writing EXILES. I guess if that is the case I should go all the way and take an alternate sex version of Boom Boom who is built like Power Girl.

With three guys and four gals my X - Men team is really balanced but you can´t forget to count in Nightcrawler as supervisor . And with Gambit - who dies a horrific death in every single issue - I even have some room in the team roster for guest starring sexy super heroines now and then. You know, Rogue would be a good addition to the team since her ability to absorb powers, memories or any kind of information would make her a perfect candidate for stealth missions. Is it too late to include her ?

So this is my selection for a perfect X - Men team, or at least a team I would like to write or read about and you can let me know your picks. 

New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best

No comments: