Saturday, September 02, 2017

Happy birthday to Salma Hayek - pimped

It took me a whole week but after I did all the work to put all the Salma Hayek GIFs in order and go over the posts I have done about her so far I decided not to wait until next year to do an update of last years post .

One of the reasons why I make these celebrity birthday posts in the first place is to have something I can either re - post quickly or just link to if there is nothing new to add to the old post. This year I took another look at the post from last year and after accumulating all of my Salma Hayek material I decided that there was enough to do an updated version.

And there is always the video section with new videos. So there is some new material for those who have already read previous Salma Hayek posts and for those that haven´t there is the link for the re - post in 2015 , her original cult siren entry and my very first Salma Hayek post which should have been a birthday post but turned into a rant about Salma Hayek´s wardrobe malfunction on WETTEN DASS where she almost spilled out.

I´m still miffed about that. Now this post is not going to cover all her movies. To be honest I haven´t seen all of them especially the dramas because I have enough of that in life as it is. So I´m only going to talk about a few of her movies where I think I have something to say about them. Or they are some of my favorite movies / tv series with her in it so I MUST put some pictures of Salma Hayek from the movies on my blog.

I´m not sure, but I think the first thing I saw her in was DESPERADO which is one of the few films where I´m glad that I saw it in the german version first. Normally I´m always bitching about the german dubbing but I must admit that in the scenes where Antonio Banderas asks Salma Hayek if he has thanked her already and she replies that he hasn´t the german phrase " Kommt noch. " sounds waay cooler than " I will. "

The movie is one of my favorites and for me Antonio Banderas sings really good even if he doesn´t think so. He absolutely nails it with his rendition of MORENA DE MI CORAZON ( also called Cancion del Mariachi on the soundtrack ) which has been on my mp3 playlist for many years now.

One of the things I never understood is how many people - movie critics included - claim that DESPERADO is a remake of EL MARIACHI by Roberto Rodriguez. Which it is not. If you have seen both movies you know that Antonio Banderas plays the character who was left for dead at the end of EL MARIACHI and who returns to take his rightful revenge in DESPERADO.

I remember that the movie EL MARIACHI was so popular in Germany at that time that inkplosion did a comic called LOS 7 MARIACHIS even though most germans had no idea what a Mariachi is. One of the readers in all honesty asked what the seven Mariachis were doing for a living.

The next movie I want to include in this tribute post is FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, and not only because it´s one of the Top Ten Movie Stripteases.


It´s number 5, just after Jamie Lee Curtis´ incredible dance on TRUE LIES about which I already did a post although I´m not so sure about that. Neither Natalie Portman nor Elisa Cuthbert are on my list and I would even exclude Kim Basinger. If I had to come up with a strip list it would be :

1. Halle Berry ( Last Boy Scout )

2. Demi Moore ( Striptease )

3. Erika Eleniak ( Under Siege )

4. Jamie Lee Curtis ( True Lies / the all GIF edition )

5. Salma Hayek ( From Dusk Till Dawn )

6. Elizabeth Berkley ( Showgirls )

7. Claudia Christian ( The Hidden )

8. Pamela Anderson ( Barb Wire )

9. Kathleen Kinmont ( The Corporate Ladder )

10. Jessica Biel ( Powder Blue )

And one of my goals in life is to do posts on TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN on all of the sexy nominees on that best striptease list.


But coming back to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN it is a really good horror movie with a unique revelation at the end. And of course a sexy striptease - although I think it´s more of a table dance since Salma does not really take off that much and she dances most of the time on a table.

The movie made us feel bad though, because it was announced around that time that George Clooney was going to be Batman in the next BATMAN movie and after seeing how badass he was in this we were all just beyond ourselves. After Val Kilmer we were all ready for a good Batman movie ( Nicole Kidman was the only good thing in that movie )

but then the whole Joel Schumacher thing happened and the " nipples on the Batman costume " thing happened and then the whole BAT franchise crashed and burned for decades until Christopher Nolan breathed new life back into the mythos. At least in BATMAN BEGINS. That´s the good one.

The second one had some parts I didn´t like and let´s not even begin on the third one. Especially since that´s not what this post is all about.

Although to tell the truth I have completely forgotten what this post is supposed to be about. Coming back to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, it is one of the movies which is heavily censored in Germany but you can still watch it on tv because so far they haven´t cut out her table dance. There are some jokes that Quentin Tarantino wrote that part into the script just to get a sexy dance from Salma Hayek but that´s what good directors do.

And it´s not like the audience has a different opinion than Mr. Tarantino. I think one reason why he´s so successful is that he hasn´t forgotten what people want to see on the screen. Not like with WILD WILD WEST.

You may have wondered why there was a giant mechanical spider in the movie and the answer to that is simple : producer Jon Peters put it in.

He was the producer along with director Sonnenfeld and in AN EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH, Kevin Smith talked about working with Peters on a fifth potential SUPERMAN film in 1997, revealing that Peters had three demands for the script. The first demand was that Superman is not allowed to wear the suit, the second was that Superman not fly, and the third was to have Superman fight a giant spider in the third act. After Tim Burton came on board, Smith's script was tossed away and the film was never produced due to further complications. A year later, he noted that WILD WILD WEST was released with the inclusion of a giant mechanical spider in the final act. Neil Gaiman has also said that Jon Peters insisted a giant mechanical spider be included in a film adaptation of THE SANDMAN.

By the way, when I was doing the research for FROM DUSK TILL DAWN I knew that it was so successful that it spawned two sequels ( FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 - TEXAS BLOOD MONEY and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3 - THE HANGMAN`S DAUGHTER ) but I didn´t know they also made a tv series about it. I haven´t watched any of this yet but I know that the movies at least are heavily cut so I´m probably going to watch them in Spain.

Back to Salma Hayek, before her table dance she also starred in WILD WILD WEST wearing ..... let´s face it : not too much clothing. At least in her first scenes, later on she wore a lot of fabric. I guess they needed some spicy clips for the trailer so they could get the moviegoers money.

I mean what´s the deal with designing such an lingerie outfit for Salma Hayek and then covering her up for most of the movie ? I´m not saying that well endowed actresses have to be naked all the time. They can wear something for five minutes and get naked later on which is more sexy.

No, really, in my opinion if you have an actress with a stunning physique than you have to use that if you are a good director. And you seize the opportunity if you have an oscar - winning actor like Mickey Rourke in a movie instead of giving Dennis Rodman more screentime because you want to be his buddy or you´re smoking weed together. Also I think it should be a rule in horror movies that female characters only die after they have been naked. You might think this IS a rule - especially if you have seen the SCREAM saga - but it isn´t. Trust me, I have seen dozens of horror movies were whole squads of hot, nubile chicks met their end before undressing. What a waste. And it´s the same with Salma Hayek.

But that´s DISNEY for you. When I first wrote this post on my other blog I was wondering how bad they were going to f - word up the new SPIDER - MAN and FANTASTIC FOUR movies but I was still slightly optimistic. I thought all they could ruin were the movies and now look what they have done to the comics as well. After decades of hoping that movies could make an impact on comics we finally find out that this is the worst that could happen to comics because movies are just without any remorse.

Right now I´m reading the second JON SABLE OMNIBUS and I have to say I´m enjoying it more than most of the books the big two put out these days. Even if the size is a bit small at first Mike Grell´s art doesn´t really loose that much and his writing is as good - if not better - than on his GREEN ARROW series. He dares a few things that would make DC or Marvel scream and his characters are so compelling. If you want to enjoy the art in the proper size you should go for the regular trades but if you want to read a lot in cheap, thick chunks go for the omnibus paperback thingies.

Back to WILD WILD WEST Salma Hayek does have some good scenes in the movie but ultimately she´s not a very likeable or sympathetic character because she plays the helpless damsel in distress the whole movie until the end when the old, decrepit " father " Will Smith and Kevin Kline have almost died to save turns out to her virile, potent and young husband.

It´s the part of the movie that bugs me. That and the giant mechanical spider. I guess that´s the realistic part that this sweet and hot looking massita is in reality a lying, scheming woman who seduces the heroes to get what she wants but I don´t have to go to the movies for that.


And to wrap things up, one last thing I have to mention is the tv show UGLY BETTY where Salma made a few guest appearances and had some memorable scenes like this one where she gets some coffee on her shirt.

She then takes it off to reveal her impressive breasts in a black bra.

The ratings for ABC’s new show UGLY BETTY haven’t been bad at all. It’s consistently ranked in the Top 20 TV shows by Nielsen Media. However, when the show’s producer is Salma Hayek, there’s a vested interest to make it a Top 10 hit. So how do you ensure that happens? By appearing as a guest, taking off your shirt and exposing your chest to the entire world!

Salma Hayek has got to be the hottest actress in Hollywood who´s beyond 40 years old. If Salma had pulled pull stunts like this on a regular basis, I’m sure many more guys would tune in to watch, because Betty Suarez just doesn’t cut it. I mean she´s an okay character and the show is fine that even has a positive message underneath it all but - as time proved later on - most guys only watched the episodes Salma Hayek appeared in.

Or like another blogger put it : Here's some pictures of Salma Hayek from her new TV show ' Ugly Betty '-- though a better name would be ' Holy Christ, look at Salma Hayek's Massive Cans '. The only reason these pictures are newsworthy is .... well .... they're actually not newsworthy at all. But who cares! Look at those sweater - puppies. I haven't seen someone with funbags this huge since I spent last Saturday night making animated GIFs of Jodie Sweetin´s titanic torpedoes on Fuller House.

I had started to watch UGLY BETTY the last time I was in Spain and at first I was only waiting for the moment when Salma Hayek appears ( I guess I somehow heard about it on the internet ). I was always taping it on the VCR so I could watch it later because my Mom was always watching PRISON BREAK or THE UNIT at that time. At first I was fast forwarding the whole episodes until they got to the good parts with Salma Hayek.

But more and more I watched whole episodes and what can I say, I got hooked. As far as I can see the show is much better than the spanish version YO SOY BEA or the german version VERLIEBT IN BERLIN ( which is not saying too much ). The spanish show suffers from the usual tropes of a telenovela and most of the characters are just weird freaks. And let me not get started on the german version. Whoever casted Alexandra Neldel in the main role didn´t do a good job because you know right from the first scene that she´s gonna doll up at the end. Which is so predictable. But that´s the message for us : only beautiful people get a happy end.

Now the american version is much more layered than that and surprising which may have something to do with the fact that Salma Hayek herself is producing it. It also makes sense that the guy from the fashion company hires Betty Suarez as the main desk clerk. He has been having affairs with all his secretaries so far and his Dad hires the only one who he will not land in bed with. Or if he does that will probably scare him off for good. In the german version this woman just shows up and gets hired without any special explanation just because it has always been her dream and she wants it that much. I´m not saying that this could not happen in real life but if they really would do that I think one of the stipulations would be that she had to look the part of main representative of a fashion company - it´s not like there is nothing they can work with. Anyway, the first thing I thought when I saw part of the finale of VERLIEBT IN BERLIN was that the main character would have had a ten times easier life if  she had used some make up from the first day at work. And what about a dress code ?

In UGLY BETTY the story is rather interesting, they have much better writers, much better actors and there is even a murder mystery involved.

The characters are ..... well, not all of them are likeable but even the biggest heel has some depth to him and you start rooting for Betty. There are some nice life lessons hidden in the episodes now and then and they easily make the switch from drama to comedy to thriller and back again. And it surely doesn´t hurt when Salma takes off her shirt on the show.

Now before we come to the video section of this post I want to address a reader request who wanted to see a picture of me in uniform from the time I did my military service in Munich. Sorry, I don´t have any fotos on the net from that period of my life but maybe this one can console you a bit. And who wants to see a picture of me when he can have this, right ?

Since I have already included clips of all the movies and tv shows I have mentioned in the post I want to add another special video. Last year I posted her most recent one with Salma´s appearance on Lopez Tonight but Today I´m doing a callback to one of her best visits to Jay Leno .

Don´t you just love the way Salma tells a story ? It seems she can´t talk without using her hands and there is always a lot of nice bouncing action.

Walt Simonson turns 71 and like last year I will have to do a post about him later. Originally I wanted to do another THORSDAY post but since I already did that I thought about one on his Fantastic Four run since I haven´t had the chance to pimp the Epic Collection Fantastic Four - Into The Time Stream. While I have become a convert to these trades I still think Marvel fudged the ball - again - as they failed another time to put this story into a book with the prologue from Walter Simonson´s Avengers run. Anyway, since that would be another Marvel post - and kind of a THORSDAY post anyway since Thor does appear in the story - I am thinking about doing a post on Walt´s work at DC. The only problem here is that I haven´t read too much from his acclaimed Metal Men series to do a decent post on it and for a Manhunter post I don´t have enough material. There is of course one crossover he did that would be a great excuse to post more of The New Teen Titans but that also depends on if I find some material to post.

Speaking of guilty pleasures, if you have ever been flipping through the channels until you got stuck with a b - movie western, gladiator movie or Bud Spencer flick the chances are high that italian actor Giuliano Gemma was in it. He is our first celebrity in the Dearly Departed section and there even is a comic connection. Among the many westerns I found on his imdb rap sheet was one where the title started with Tex and the name of his role was Tex Willer which for some strange reason sounded familiar.

So I opened the respective link and the movie poster looked REALLY familiar with the yellow shirt and the red TEX logo. Some readers may recall that I already wrote about this comic by italian publisher Bonelli who also does Nathan Never, Martin Mystery and Dylan Dog. Tex is written by Claudio Nizzi with art by Giovanni Ticci and I remember that I wanted to buy a few hardcovers which contained a story that the great Joe Kubert had illustrated and which were translated into german by Kult Editionen.

What I did get my hands on since last year is the TEX hardcover by Paolo Eleuteri Serpieri but I was a bit disappointed that the story didn´t play to his strengths. I mean I didn´t expect to find nudity of the caliber as in his most famous science fiction porn series DRUUNA ( of which one album was confiscated by the Pope because it was deemed to pornographic - a few months later masturbation was declared no longer a sin ... coincidence ? ) but a few big breasted squaws here and there surely wouldn´t have hurt.

Anyway, if you want to see the movie Tex e il Signori degli Abissi just check out last year´s post - or get it for five bucks from amazon - and if you are interested to read more about the TEX comics there was a FREE COMIC BOOK DAY issue this year which will be part of this year´s BIG CHRISTMAS CONTEST if I ever get around to sort through my free comics.

To keep the western theme going - and to post something about another sexbomb with black hair and a huge rack here´s the swedish techno / folk / bluegrass band REDNEX . The group was very popular in Germany in the 90s although I have to say that I really started to like the band as soon as new front woman Julie Anne Tulley a.k.a. Scarlett joined their line up.

Wikipedia says they´re mostly known for the hit song " Cotton Eye Joe " in 1994. Although extremely popular in Germany, where the band holds the record of most total weeks ( 25 ) at No.1 on the German singles chart over the past 30 years - scoring such hits as " Old Pop in an Oak ", " The Spirit of the Hawk ” and " Wish You Were Here " - " Cotton Eye Joe " remains Rednex's sole hit in the United States. Now the real reason the Rednex are so popular in Germany is Scarlett and her bouncing action fan service.

They had another front woman with big boobs before ( a blonde ) but they really became most popular when Scarlett joined in 2001. Because they did a lot of live gigs on tv and Scarlett really knows how to shake it. She always puts some extra effort on making her boobies bounce as they often just jump up and down to the music. In one show ( I think it was called APRES SKI HITS ) Scarlett´s huge breasts where jumping up and down so wild they almost came up to her chin. And in this instance the cameraguy even filmed it which almost never happens on german tv.

We stay with sexbombs with exceptional bodies with our next candidate : in a previous post I had to skip the birthday of Tawny Kitaen, who was in Bachelor Party, a movie mostly remembered for the scene where living blow up sex doll Monique Gabrielle shows her incredible body. And Today we have the anniversary of director Walerian Borowczyk, best known for Emanuelle 5 in which Monique Gabrielle played the french soft sex kitten with the inexhaustible body of a Playmate of the Year, the sex drive of a nymphomaniac and the highest moan factor in movie history who rides guys so hard they can´t recall on which side the bedroom doorknob is.

Naturally I can´t post anything from Emanuelle 5 - even if there was something from it on YouTube - but while that´s a shortcoming of the website there are still lots of interesting stuff you can find like Up All Night, a show I have never heard of. There is another episode where Monique Gabrielle is the only guest but in this one are more hot babes.

Since I mentioned Neil Gaiman´s Sandman I wanted to pimp Sandman : Ouverture now that I have finally read it. Like most of his work it was not as I envisioned it but besides the fact that I blew my chance to appear in the credits as the guy who reminded him he forgot to tell this story I can not complain. While I thought it´d go along other lines it IS a captivating yarn and J. H. Williams III´s artwork alone is worth the price of admission ( is it just me or is an entire chapter a big homage to the great Moebius ? ).

We are closing the post with another episode of Space Sentinels, which I picked especially because the villain of the story is called Morpheus.

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