Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Happy belated birthday Salma Hayek !

Yesterday I was so busy with trying to finish MY BIG CAPTAIN FUTURE POST that I totally forgot that it was Salma Hayek´s 48th birthday.


So I thought it´s about time to do a post on her since I did my first post on her on my now defunct other blog in 2007. I know that some readers don´t like these posts which are basically just a chance for me to put lots of pictures of hot women on my blog but I have to do something to let off steam from time to time especially now that I spend most of my time dealing with paperwork. And for all those who are afraid that there will not be much to read I have already left out a lot of stuff because I feel a rant coming on. I had posted this in another form on the old blog but I cut out most of the quotes from newspapers because the post will be long enough as it is.  And speaking of my old posts most of that were just some pictures and clips and even though I basically just went and copy pasted that every year it was my chance to catch up with her appearances on late night shows I had missed since last year. I like to watch all those late night talk shows but I really can´t keep up with them all and it´s only through sheer luck that I find out about the interesting ones. Afterwards.

DOCTOR SUBZERO or HOW I LEARNED TO HATE GERMAN TELEVISION

And not only with the american shows. My timing with german tv is that I miss all the good stuff there too and have to bust my ass to find it on the internet. I mean it´s only natural that I have to use it to watch american talk shows but it´s embarrassing that I always miss the good stuff like Salma Hayek´s appearance on the german tv show WETTEN DASS where she had a wardrobe malfunction and almost spilled out of her dirndl. 


And it never fails. No it really never fails. Whenever I miss a show of WETTEN DASS because " I don´t have to watch this " something happens that everybody else in Germany sees and everybody talks about the show.


And not just anything. No it always involves super erotic singers or movie stars and either performances that you can't let your kids watch or they have wardrobe malfunctions. Last time I missed a show in which they had announced Brandy as the musical guest but instead Janet came with her two Jacksons and delivered a raunchy performance that made the tv sets melt and turned little boys into men. Whole generations of kids hit puberty prematurely because Janet Jackson gave them a jump start.


I missed the show, all of Germany saw it and it took me ten years to finally see the rerun on tv and tape it. This time it was Salma's turn.



To explain this a bit to the readers outside of Germany, WETTEN DASS is a show where famous guests are invited who want to promote their new book, movie, clothing line etc. And there are musical guests. And in the show there are people with strange bets like being able to guess the color of a color pencil by licking it or open ten bottles of champagne with a bulldozer or piling 90 chairs on top of each other. Stuff like that.

It is the most successful Saturday television show in Europe and the format was the basis for the British show YOU BET ! and the American show WANNA BET ? The shows are broadcast live 6 to 8 times a year from different cities in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. There have been 7 open - air summer shows, broadcast from Amphitheatre Xanten, Plaça de Toros de Palma de Mallorca, Disneyland Paris, Waldbühne Berlin and Aspendos Roman Theatre. Each of the shows, which are shown without commercial breaks, are usually scheduled to last for about two hours, but it is not uncommon for a show to run as much as 45 minutes longer.


At least according to wikipedia. In reality german viewers are lucky if the presenter is less than an hour late. He´s famous for his delays and many movies I saw started late because of him. But we´ll come to this later.

If you are asking what Disneyland Paris is, it´s basically the cheap version of Dineyland in America and to tell the truth, nobody here gives a rat´s ass about it. I know that in Amerika you have practically failed as a parent if you haven´t managed to visit Disneyland with your kid at least once in his lifetime but here in Germany parents rather take their kids to places like Erlebnispark Tripsdrill, the Wilhelma, the Cannstatter Vasen or even the Oktoberfest before thinking about plunking down money to see some fake castles and take pictures with a pretend cartoon figure.

CANNONBALLS, HIGHWAY ANARCHISTS AND SWAMP MONSTERS

Which is why they must promote it that much and why Thomas Gottschalk - the guy who presents WETTEN DASS - was in a lot of movies like SISTER ACT 2 or that movie with the Barbarian Brothers where they are truckers.



The movie is called THINK BIG and the german title is HIGHWAY CHAOTEN which is no coincidence. The Cannonball movies had been very successful in Germany and since they were called AUF DEM HIGHWAY IST DIE HÖLLE LOS ( All hell has broken loose on the highway - don´t ask me why they went with that. I guess they thought it sounded better than the title KANONENKUGEL ) they tried to put the word highway into every movie that took place on a highway, near a highway or mentioned a highway.


It´s also no coincidence that the german movie poster was made to resemble the poster for the mega successful CANNONBALL RUN II.


Which was in big part because of the sexy Lamborghini Babes in their skintight zipper spandex suits played by Barbara Bach and Susan Anton.


They inherited the roles from Tara Buckmann and Adrienne Barbeau who played the iconic sexbombs in the original CANNONBALL RUN movie.


Adrienne Barbeau is of course best known for her roles in such cult classics like THE FOG, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK or SWAMP THING and Catherine Bach is best known as the cousin who gave the famous cut off jeans their name as Daisy Duke from THE DUKES OF HAZARD COUNTY.


But back to Thomas Gottschalk and the pact he had made to get movie roles. It sure as hell was not because of his acting. No, the deal was that he pimps the hell out of Disneyland Paris on WETTEN DASS while they get him parts in movies. I don´t know if any of the people involved got their money´s worth but I know that movie goers suffered a lot because of it.

WEIRD BETS, TIGHT COSTUMES AND MISSED WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS

Anyway, Oktoberfest brings us back to the the dirndl and WETTEN DASS.


Okay, so there are people on the show with bizarre bets. And then every guest becomes the patron or sponsor of one such bet which means he has to guess if the candidate succeeds with his bet or if he fails.

It doesn't matter if he says yay or nay the thing is if he's right he hasn't to do anything. If he looses he has to do something because ..... you know the drill : loose a bet and lick a frog. Now in the past I haven't always watched WETTEN DASS because the presenter Thomas Gottschalk may be the worst tv presenter ever. At least he's Germany´s worst tv presenter. And a horrible person. He's at least 80 years old and still plays the role of young rebel without a cause. He claims to be very open and liberal but he's more of a puritan than an impotent monk and his wife picks his clothes for him. He's so totally p - word - whipped that it's ridiculous.

The crux is that it's still the biggest and most prestigious show on german tv. It has the biggest audience and if stars and celebrities want to pimp something they have to attend and suffer. Like the tv audience has to suffer.  Like Tom Hanks and Halle Berry had to suffer when they came to the show to promote CLOUD ATLAS and nobody from the production studio had told them that WETTEN DASS could last as long as three hours.


Especially Tom Hanks was very ticked off and made his feelings known.



The worst part is that because WETTEN DASS is the only german game show left Thomas Gottschalk is Germany's entertainment ambassador and stars from abroad think that's how people in Germany are. And I have to make this absolutely clear : not all people in Germany are like this guy. There are a lot of normal people in Germany who are not mentally ill.


And on top of that Thomas is always hitting on the female guests and grabbing them constantly. Yes, I don't like him much because I have to watch the show unless I want to miss all the good stuff like this. Now I was supposed to return to Germany on the 1st of that month when Salma Hayek was on WETTEN DASS which means that I should have been in Germany when this show aired and I should have taped it. Just my luck.

Now what's this all about.....darn. Still haven't explained it.

WHAT IF A BOOB POPS OUT BUT NOBODY IS THERE TO SEE IT ?

Well, that Saturday Salma Hayek was in the show WETTEN DASS and she lost her bet. Now the agreement was that IF Salma Hayek lost her bet she would have to wear a german dirndl. See where I'm going with this ?

I think Thomas Gottschalk rigged it so that Salma lost her bet. He probably gave the guy some money and said : " If you get Salma into that Dirndl the neverending thanks of the german homeland will be yours. "


What's up with all the actresses in Hollywood anyway ? It seems the thing to do now is having a kid. Not that I mind getting flooded with pictures or videos of big breasted MILFs. Hey, it did wonders for Christina Aguilera


and Halle Berry ( each year I somehow miss her birthday with my posts )


Although I'm not sure about Salma Hayek´s wardrobe malfunction.


After the show there are always rumors that somewomen on the show had a wardrobe malfunction but ONLY the people in the live audience could see it. Mariah Carey, Kylie Minogue, Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek they all have wardrobe malfunctions and only the live audience see them. I think that Thomas Gottschalk himself spreads the rumors to get more people as live audience. Wanna see the wardrobe malfunctions ? You gotta see it live. Although with Mariah Carey she´s also had wardrobe malfunctions on other shows so it could become a habit. I think she WANTS to take it off live. Or this might be wishful thinking on my part.


Anyway, Salma lost her bet, had to squeeze her enourmous talent into the Dirndl and almost had a wardrobe malfunction because she's a mom now and her breasts were totally out of control. Even german fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld couldn't take his eyes off her ample charms. I guess it makes a change from seeing all those ultra - thin fashion models even if I don´t think he really likes women with that kind of figure ( the models ).


I mean everybody was checking out Salma Hayek, and of course this had to be the show where they had two monks as guests. I don´t know why they were there ( since I never saw the full show, only the clips I found online ) but even they were peeking to see the forbidden fruit. Maybe they were thinking if they had made the right career choice afterwards.


Salma even supposedly popped one of her breasts but nobody except the live audience saw it since it happened off camera and when the cameras were on Salma again one of the make up crew had already put it back in.

Lucky bastard. In any case, it still made headlines with newspapers and websites showing dozen of pictures of Salma´s gazongas all ready to bust loose and I can´t even complain that it may have been just a cheap ploy.

For one, I don´t care why the internet is flooded with pictures of sexy Salma, I just enjoy the ride. Secondly, it might be cheap in the sense that it doesn´t cost Salma much to pop one out but seeing her in an outfit like this is still priceless. Thirdly she was there to promote a noble cause and like they say, any kind of attention helps. So here are a few examples of what the press had to say ( I have cut the parts that were repeating the same information and will probably cut a few more quotes ) and then we can - hopefully - get to the part with Salma Hayek in the movies.



Salma Hayek Busts Out On German TV

The Hollywood actress, Salma Hayek, appeared to be in danger of exploding out of her traditional Bavarian dress, Janet Jackson style. 



Salma Hayek was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen when she was a guest on German television at the weekend. The well - endowed actress appeared on WETTEN DASS in traditional dress after losing a bet with an audience member during a segment on the show. And all eyes – including those of fellow guest Karl Lagerfeld – were drawn to Salma's low - cut neckline which was straining to contain her ample bosom.

So stolz auf ihren schönen Busen 

Selten war ein Dirndl so üppig gefüllt. Der Anblick von Salma Hayeks Dekolletee bei WETTEN DASS am Samstag war eine Augenweide - keine Frage. Über 11 Millionen Zuschauer schauten am Samstagabend WETTEN DASS - und Salma Hayek tief ins " Super - Dekolletee ". Die Mexikanerin war sichlich stolz auf ihre Oberweite und präsentierte offenherzig " alles was sie hat ". Diesen" Super - Dekolletee - Effekt " hatte Salma Hayek offensichtlich beabsichtigt. Die 41 - Jährige wählte das Dirndl selber aus, auch, weil es ihre Oberweite so schön in Szene setzt. Salma ist insgesamt eine zierliche Person. Doch seit der Geburt ihrer Tochter im September 2007 trägt sie obenherum Körbchengröße 80 C. Das Kleid war für diese Maße " etwas " zu eng und wurde hinter der Bühne für Salma passend gemacht - fast zumindest. Ein klitzekleines bisschen zu eng war es bei ihrem Auftritt noch immer. Vielleicht sieht man die Schauspielerin ja bald im Dirndl auf einem roten Teppich in Hollywood. Ihre Kolleginnen würde sie mit diesem Outfit jedenfalls reihenweise in den Schatten stellen.


TOP, DIE WETTE QUILLT !

11 Mio. sahen den üppigen WETTEN DASS - Auftritt von Hollywood - Star Salma Hayek – aber niemand den Busen - Unfall auf dem Sofa ...

So ein pralles Programm gab’s bei WETTEN DASS noch nie. Über 11 Mio. Zuschauer sahen Samstagabend die erste Ausgabe der ZDF - Show nach der Sommerpause – und staunten über das üppige Dekolleté von Salma Hayek ( 42 ), die sich als Wetteinsatz in ein sexy Dirndl zwängte.
 


Da wurde sogar der Sprücheklopfer Thomas Gottschalk ( 58 ) nervös.
 

" Ich war auch überrascht, was da alles aus dem Dirndl rauskam. "  sagte der Moderator zu BILD. " Vor allem habe ich statische Probleme befürchtet. Salma ist 1,59 Meter groß und trug 20 - Zentimeter - High - Heels. Aber es waren ja genug Herren da, um sie notfalls aufzufangen."

Was die Kameras und die Zuschauer zu Hause nicht sahen: Als die Schauspielerin neben den anderen Gästen auf Gottschalks Couch saß, sprang plötzlich ihre rechte Brust aus dem Oberteil ! Maskenbildner versteckten Salma Hayeks Oberweite schnell wieder im Dirndl.


Grund für den Busenunfall : Das Dirndl von Stardesignerin Lola Paltinger ( 36 ) war für Salmas Körbchengröße 80 C eigentlich zu klein ! " Salma hatte fünf Dirndl zur Auswahl, sie hat sich für dieses entschieden ", so Paltinger zu BILD. " Vor Ort mussten noch Anpassungen gemacht werden, denn Salma ist eine zierliche Frau, hat aber eine große Oberweite. "


Schauspielerin nicht jugendfrei: Salma Hayek sprengte das Dirndl

Hollywoodstar Salma Hayek überraschte bei WETTEN DASS mit üppigen Kurven. Als sie sich dann noch in ein Dirndl zwängte, geriet die Sache außer Kontrolle - und die Kameras schauten weg. 


Ist es die Mutterschaft oder sind es die lateinamerikanischen Gene ? Schon beim ersten Auftritt von Salma Hayek ging ein Raunen durch das Publikum. Atemberaubend hoch waren die High Heels der Schauspielerin, perfekt wie bei einer Sanduhr umschmiegte zudem ein schwarzes Designerkleid die ebenso beachtlichen Rundungen der 42 - Jährigen. Ausnahmsweise mal nicht für Eigen - PR war die Schauspielerin in die Sendung von Thomas Gottschalk gekommen : Sie wirbt derzeit für ein Unicef - Gesundheitsprojekt, das Frauen und Kinder in Entwicklungsländern zu Tetanusschutzimpfungen verhelfen soll.

Prompt verlor die gebürtige Mexikanerin wenig später ihre Wette und löste eine Wettschuld ein, die den Rahmen der ZDF - Familiensendung fast gesprengt hätte. Hayek zwängte sich nämlich in ein Designer-Dirndl von Lola Paltinger, das jedoch ihrer Oberweite einfach nicht gewachsen war. Wie die BILD herausgefunden haben will, trägt Hayek, die eine gerade einjährige Tochter hat, derzeit Körbchengröße 80C. Die - möglicherweise durch's Stillen bedingte? -
" große Oberweite ", so die Modemacherin, schien hinter der Bühne noch gebändigt zu sein.

Auf der legendären Wettcouch allerdings geriet das tiefe Dekolleté dennoch außer Kontrolle. Maskenbildner hätten Hayek dabei helfen müssen, ihre herausgehüpfte rechte Brust wieder züchtig zu verstauen .


Die rund elf Millionen Zuschauer von WETTEN DASS haben diese Bilder aber nicht gesehen - sie wurden nicht gesendet. Allein die offiziellen Fotos der Show lassen noch erahnen, dass da ein " Busenblitzer "droht.

Salmas Busen - Unfall

Salma Hayek muss sich bei WETTEN DASS in ein Dirndl quetschen. Doch ihre Oberweite sprengt das Kleid, die Äpfel fallen aus dem Körbchen.

Die Bilder, die die Kamera überliefert, sind schon kolossal. Selten war ein Dirndl so drall gefüllt, das Holz vor der Hütten sucht Seinesgleichen. Salma Hayek ( 41 ) in Tracht – eine Augenweide. Die Schauspielerin muss eine verlorene Wette einlösen, schlüpft daraufhin in das Kleid. Sehr zur Freude der Anwesenden, den Moderator eingeschlossen. Denn obenrum lässt das Dirndl keinen Raum für Spekulationen. Zwei pralle
" Äpfel " sind in Körbchen Grösse 80C gebettet – und haben eindeutig zu wenig Platz. Links verhüllt die Dirndlbluse das Nötigste, rechts reichts nicht mal dafür. Die Knospe blitzt. Und – das fängt die Kamera leider nicht ein – als Salma sich aufs Sofa setzt, springt die Brust komplett aus dem Oberteil. Maskenbildner eilen heran, verstecken sie schnell wieder im Dirndl.

Der Unfall scheint die Mexikanerin nicht zu irritieren. Im Gegenteil, Salma hat´s darauf angelegt, die Männer in Wallung zu bringen.



Nicht nur Salma Hayek mag es üppig : Stars im Dirndl - Rausch

Seit ihrem Auftritt bei WETTEN DASS am Samstagabend steht es fest : Salma Hayek ist die unangefochtene Dirndl - Königin. Mit ihrem Super - Dekolletee können selbst eingefleischte Dirndl - Trägerinnen, wie Vickey Leandros oder die Moderatorin Verona Pooth nicht mithalten.


Aber : Nicht nur Salma ist im Dirndl - Rausch. 11 Millionen Zuschauer sahen am Samstagabend bei der Verwandlung von Salma Hayek in eine bayrischen Wiesn Schönheit zu. Die Mexikanerin schlüpfte in ein knappes Dirndl und machte die Zuschauer mit ihrem atemberaubenden Dekolletee sprachlos - Moderator Thomas Gottschalk inklusive. Auch Salma gefiel sich in dem Kleid und kaufte es für 2600 Euro. Ihr Outfit wurde extra auf ihre Körpermaße zugeschnitten. Ob sie damit im nächsten Jahr auf dem Münchner Oktoberfest erscheinen wird, verriet sie noch nicht.

Fest steht: Mit ihrem Auftritt bei WETTEN DASS klettert Salma an die Spitze der schönsten Dirndl - Trägerinnen 2008 und lässt prominente Dirndl - Trägerinnen, wie Veronika Ferres, Vickey Leandros und Sarah Brandner, die Freundin von Bastian Schweinsteiger, hinter sich.



Which brings us to the end of this post which has just kept on getting longer and longer with all this stuff about Disneyland and car movies and wardrobe malfunctions. I had hoped to talk a bit about various movies of Salma Hayek but I´m afraid we have to continue this in our next post .


Because a lot of this post has been about dirndls here´s Antonia aus Tirol who´s famous for her big ....talents and her trademark bouncing action.



And since I already mentioned Christina Aguilera enjoying her new and improved bigger Mommy breasts here is her appearance on the Ellen Degeneres Show. I don´t think I have posted this on the blog so far.



New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best

4 comments:

Terry Hooper-Scharf said...

HAH! Bad move putting "boiing" after this. Its a comic humour sfx basically to say...well, you've just gotten good blood pressure to your "little chap"!!
Hmm..."cans" not very PC. Having said this I was on a bus a while back were two 30 something young women were talking and one was reading a mag and said "Wow. Have you seen those?" -it was a set of photos of Salma in a very small bikini. There was the usual "God, I'd kill for a figure like that!" but then one said: "I wouldn't need persuading -she COULD turn me!" The other nodded:"Too right"
Men -and some women- can appreciate a good figure and I know some people find these photos offensive -usually some of these people read comics with their sub-porn covers and VERY revealing outfits.
Point is that this is YOUR blog. You go for it mann!

SUBZERO said...

To tell you the truth, I don´t know where I´m going with this one.

I couldn´t finish it Yesterday so I took it off the blog. Today I´m going to throw everything in to see how long this post gets ( much too long as it seems ) before I start cutting and correcting things.

That´s why it still says " cans ". I´m not sure if I should leave in all the newspaper articles. I will probably cut the ones who only repeat what you can alread read in the others.

Terry Hooper-Scharf said...

Explains why the post came up on my blog roll this morning but all I got was "This post does not exist" -but it was THERE! I argued with the computer a while, threatened violence then took my meds.
I think that if you are going to do a long post then it needs more illoes. I keep looking at long posts on CBO and then add more illoes!
Oh, and I'm guessing the person who "popped" Salma's boob back in was female. The way German TV seems to be going I can see a TV station panicking at the thought of a lawsuit..."But, Boss -I had to grab the boob and tuck it back in! Think how embarassed Ms Hayek would have been -the shocked audience at home!" Yeah, that'd work!!!

SUBZERO said...

Yes, I will definitely put more illoes in once I have finished it and know how long it is. Man, I never intended to put in all that stuff about Antonio Banderas, Mariachis or Neil Gaiman but when I´m on a roll I´m on a roll. I can still split it into two posts later.

I guess I´ll have to mention Beyonce´s anniversary ( she has her 33rd birthday Today ) some other time.