Thursday, July 02, 2015

Happy JLA casting birthday Lindsay Lohan !

Today Lindsay " Freckles " Lohan celebrates her 29th birthday so here is her entry into what was the second part of my Hollywood casting for a Justice League movie but which has since exploded into many parts.

When I originally wrote the posts I concentrated on the hot babes because it was not on my comic related blog and I also kept it very short since I had already done posts on most of them and just put up some links.

Now here on the other hand I don´t think I have mentioned Lindsay Lohan at all. At least in no post I could find. So I will write a bit more about her in this post. But before we go into the whole JLA casting schpiel I have to mention that when I am talking about Supergirl here this will not be Pre Crisis Supergirl who died heroically nor will it be the later Matrix Supergirl which we talked about in previous posts about John Byrne´s Superman relaunch and The Supergirl Saga ( which is still in the pipeline, I swear ).

This will also not be the NEW 52 Supergirl because back then there was no NEW 52. When I write about Supergirl in this post it is the second - or some might say the real - Supergirl introduced in SUPERMAN / BATMAN.

Speaking about the NEW 52 Supergirl, isn´t it kind of ironic that Post Crisis Supergirl basically sucked ( yes, even and especially the extremely directionless Supergirl written by Peter David, at least in my opinion ) and the only interesting version of her comes around when almost all of the rest of DC´s series goes down the toilet ? They even had a really great artist with Mahmud Asrar, or even Geprge Perez, who did one issue, but then the constant barrage of crossovers and sub par storylines like the " everybody turns into Doomsday " or " hey, let´s make everybody a Red Lantern " has ruined the title pretty much because nothing says It´s that time of the month like Supergirl vomiting lots of red stuff. Thanks DC !

Angry Supergirl : Damn you, DC ! You crapped all over my book ! Again !

Another reason why I´m mentioning all this is to specify which costume Lindsay Lohan would be wearing. There were several costumes the Matrix Supergirl had - one of the more familiar ones is the one that appeared in the ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN cartoon - and even before that Supergirl changed her clothes very often. I was pretty fond of the costume with the puffed sleeves and the hot pants although the artists never did use the full potential of that design and I could not find a good picture of it. But even long before that Supergirl faced the one question that have plagued women since Eve had to leave the Garden of Eden : What should I wear ?

One of these days I really have to do a fashion special on the various costumes Supergirl´s had over the years but not before finally finishing the post on The Supergirl Saga. And definitely not before coming to the important part of this post, which is all about birthday girl Lindsay :

Lindsay Lohan as Supergirl ( Kara Zor - El )

And talking about ruining things : our next contestant, Lindsay Lohan almost ruined her acting career as she did her figure. Thanks to her ability to produce wardrobe malfunctions she gets cast as Supergirl.

Now I remember that Lindsay Lohan was this cute as a button girl in the US version of " Das doppelte Lottchen " ( a well known book by Erich Kästner in Germany ) and from all remakes of the material it's the most entertaining one. Erich Kästner was a big part of the reading at school - at least when I was going to school in Germany as a kid - and many of his books like Emil and the Detectives, The Flying Classroom or Three Men in the Snow that we had to discuss in class had also been adapted as movies ( in some cases more than once ) which made homework much easier.

One of them is Lottie and Lisa - or The Parent Trap like Hollywood renamed it - and it´s one of the movies I can watch all over again.

I was disappointed when I found out that Lindsay wasn't a real twin and this was all Hollywood's magic at work. Which was not the only time in her career that she was altered by computer science. But more on that later.

I would of course pick her from the time when she had real boobs and every man, teenager and prepubescent boy used her underage rack as jerk - off material / viagra substitute. Her body was out of control.

She was every male´s wet phantasie and there was a website dedicated to her that had a countdown to her eighteenth birthday. I bet she helped a lot of young kids hit puberty a few years prematurely with her films.

Except with HERBIE FULLY LOADED because Lindsay´s teenage chest was more than fully loaded and Disney decided to digitally shrink down her huge rack much to the chagrin of hormonally pushed males worldwide.

And I´m sure it cost them 90 percent of DVD sales worldwide. So Herbie fully loaded ( and Lindsay Lohan not so loaded anymore.....thanks to the evil wizards of Hollywood ) was a movie that I saw on television.

What's funny is if you pay attention ( don't do this the first time you see the movie because it's much better the second time ) you can see that every time Lindsay is in the background her boobies have the natural size and the nearer she comes to the screen the smaller her breast becomes.

It kind of reminds me of that fairy tale with the giant who got bigger the more he was away and smaller as he came closer. HERBIE FULLY LOADED is kind of the same thing. Only here it is backwards. And with boobies.

Maybe it´s just me but it looks like Lindsay Lohan was the inspiration for DANGER GIRL artist J. Scott Campbell´s mermaid picture below. 

Keeping in mind her scandals and how she is hounded by paparazzi she is perfect as the Maid of Steel without a clue, the Paris Hilton of the super hero community. Like Lindsay Lohan the new Supergirl has to get her act together because after a stellar start she had one failure after another.

Speaking about Paparazzis and scandals, another thing Lindsay Lohan had in common with Supergirl was that a member of her family had a sexual fixation on her much in the tradition of Golden Age Hillbilly Superman .

Now we know that everything you read on the internet is nothing but the truth and there were some implications that Lindsay´s Dad wanted to have sex with her. The whole thing started when he was thrown out of a stripclub because all the strippers he tried to order looked like Lindsay.

Now what I immediately thought when I read this - after been creeped out by the sheer thought of it - was why a stripclub has so many strippers who look like Lindsay Lohan ? As with everything in a free market economy demand dictates the supply so if there was not one but indeed several strippers there who looked like Lindsay Lohan it´s only because there was a high customer demand for that. Also, where can I find that stripclub ?

And there was even more fuel added when this picture emerged which may have been Lindsay´s father totally harmless flirting with a bartender and getting a photo take with her. Or it might be Lindsay´s Dad with his new girlfriend who looks a wee bit like an older version of his daughter.

On the other side this might totally be a case where the media see what it wants to see. In any case it didn´t exactly help that Lindsay dressed up as a hooker on Halloween because many where asking if this was really a costume or rather what Daddy made Lindsay wear around the house.

One last thing about Lindsey Lohan, since we´re on the subject of movie casting I always thought Disney threw away a huge opportunity because they didn´t cast her as the lead in a life action movie of Kim Possible.

Think about it : both Lindsay Lohan and Kim Possible were at the height of their popularity around the same time. It´s mindboggling nobody ever made the connection between those two up and coming teenage idols.

I mean a Kim Possible movie with Lindsay Lohan ( when she had big boobs ) would have totally rocked especially with some bikini scenes thrown in.

Although it looks to me like Lindsay might have bough that blue bikini in the hopes to get the part of Boom Boom in an upcoming X - Men movie.

So with this we come to the end of this post and here´s wishing Lindsay many happy returns and that all the scandals are a thing of the past now that it seems she´s finally back on track. Although to tell the truth I wouldn´t mind the occasional nipple slip or wardrobe malfunction. As usual this post has gotten longer than anticipated - even into german literature - and we still have more Supergirl stuff coming in the future.

There is nothing you can´t find on the internet so here is a video where somebody went to the trouble to restore Lindsay Lohan´s hotness in these scenes from HERBIE FULLY RELOADED. Or so I thought. I went back and after a bit of research I can confirm that this is actual footage from the movie. It seems that her original sized boobies survived in a few scenes where Lindsay is wearing a t - shirt. So it might be worth buying after all.

And here is a video which is also digitally - although very much biologically - unenhanced : Lindsay in one of her most famous SNL performances.

I can´t do a post with Herbie without mentioning Dudu, the german pendant. Since the beetle had been invented in Germany it made sense that the germans would have their own series of movies about a supercar.

The supporting character of the movie - I´m talking about the drivers - was named Jimmy Bondi and he always jokingly added that he was the little brother of James Bond. Who also had some well equipped cars.

In one of my previous posts I wanted to add a video of Germany´s answer to Jessica Rabbit, Tatjana Ohm, the news anchor with the biggest breasts on german tv. Back then I couldn´t find one so here is one I bookmarked a long time ago and then somehow forgot. It´s short but in good quality.

Here is another N 24 spoof with SWITCH RELOADED´s Martina Hill.

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Ja D said...

Mate, I loved this post. And meaty young Lindsay was a glory to behold.

SUBZERO said...

I´m glad you like it. It´s nice to see that risking it with these not entirely comic related posts pays off. And Lindsay really was something. I just hope her days of scandal are finally behind her and she stays on track. I guess we all have that dark period in our lives we would prefer to forget - or at least skip over.