Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Comicbabe battle Round 3 - Four Fantastix Finalists

Another day - another comicbabe battle. We´re still not done with our ranking of Marvel´s hottest heroines.

Now some people may ask why I even bother to do such a thing. I know, in the beginning I thought it would be fun to do some sort of ranking and I had some nice pics to post. Of course it got much more complicated and much more work than I expected being the perfectionist that I am. But I still think it´s entertaining, maybe a few readers will get to discover some characters they didn´t know before.....and it´s better than the alternative.

Since the mission statement of this blog is to highlight the cool and fun sides of comicdom rather than getting all preachy or depressed I think it´s better than doing some of those rankings that are so popular on german message boards.

I don´t want to write about which comicstories I consider the worst or which caracter is totally useless in my opinion. First of if I don´t like a story I will mention it as it comes up and if you have been reading this blog for a while you will find out which stories that are.

Like I have mentioned a few times that I wasn´t exactly thrilled with the whole AVENGERS DISASSEMBLED disaster. Number two : I don´t think that there is such a thing as an useless character. Just look at what Morrison did with ANIMAL MAN or how VILLAINS UNITED made Catman cool. And lastly if I have to make a decision between bad storylines and hot chicks I always go for the hot chicks.

Last time I was giving you a run - down of all the participants who didn´t make it into the finalists for the " Four Fantastix " category. Namely all the hot women involved with the Fantastic Four. So who are the four mamacitas that left all others behind ?

Fantastix Finalist Number Four : Medusa

Not only is she a real queen she also knows how to let her hair down. Redheads are always especially enticing but the real question is what she can do with the tantalizing tendrils of her flowing red mane. Or better what can´t she do ?

The first female of Attilan and translator for the monarch with the speech impediment can be a caring wife and mother who puts her kingdom and the family first. But she also has an adventurous side like when she became a member of the Fantastic Four.

Like Thundra Medusa was a member of the Frightful Four ( it´s really weird how many of the women in this ranking had something to do with them ) but in her case it was when she lost her memory and the Wizard tricked her into fighting the Fantastic Four. Of course that didn´t last long and she ended up marrying Black Bolt and becoming one of the FF´s many allies.

During her relationship with Black Bolt Maximus ( Black Bolt´s evil, mad brother ) always tried to make her his wife but I always wondered how much of that was real interest in her and how much it was just about taking one of his brother´s toys away from him. In the Inhumans miniseries by Paul Jenkins ( one of his finest works by the way ) he even cut of most of her hair. Brotherly rivalry at it´s best.

Of course it would be a pity if he just was chasing after her to dis his brother since Medusa is a prize for any man. But hey.....Maximus is mad. So what do you expect ?

It has been said that hair and the lenght and mass of it is a sign for sexuality in the arts and in comics as well. So what does that say about Medusa ? I think you can come to your own conclusions.

Anyway even without her hair the curvacious queen of the Inhumans would be one of the top contenders.

Add to that her massive......hair I wanted to say......and you know why she is in the number four position.

Fantastix Finalist Number Three : Crystal

In the next spot is someone who I already mentioned in my Avengers post. Another Inhuman like her sister Medusa the elemental Crystal also became a member of the Fantastic Four. When Johnny Storm first met her he fell instantly in love for her and who could blame him ?

It seems that there is something in the gene pool of Medusas family like a hotness gene. Which is the real reason why scientists all over the world are so hard at work ( no pun intended ) to unravel the mistery of the DNA. Not for science or to cure diseases but to find out why some people are hot and some are not. But back to topic.

While she was wearing the standard blue uniform as part of the FF she really looks most stunning when sporting her trademark yellow spandex. I know she did wear another uniform as a member of the Avengers during the GATHERERS storyline ( there, I did it again. Didn´t think I would manage to mention it one more time ) but if you remember the picture I posted in the Avengers post you know why I try to forget that costume.

She had a relationship with Johnny that ended on a really sour note. Due to the Inhuman´s vulnerability to the human´s polluted atmosphere Crystal was confined to the great refuge and Johnny was forbid to visit her out of fear that he could bring some diseases and kill of all Attilan. What a bummer. Because of various crises involving the team it took some time till Johnny was fed up and stormed the Inhuman´s home only to find Crystal liplocking with some other guy - Quicksilver.

During Johnny´s absence Crystal stumbled upon a gravely wounded Quicksilver and during his reconvalesence she fell in love with him. Which always sounded a little fishy to me. I mean they have special healers in Attilan so exactly what was her special expertise that was so important in the healing process ? If you ask me there was something going on between them right from the beginning.

Now of course in the story it all works out and Johnny decides to give Crystal his blessing ( although he´s really torn up inside ) but let me tell you one thing. In the history of worst break ups this one is in the top ten. And if you don´t believe me just wait till you come home to your gal after a long separation ( which was her idea ) only to be told that she´s now with another guy. Let´s see how you would like that.

And for all the female readers out there arguing that " You can´t control who you fall in love in. " or " You have to follow your heart. " that may be all true. But.....just wait till you are at the reciving end of that argument. Believe me it just sucks no matter if it can be helped or not - if there´s anyone to blame or not. If you´re run over by a truck it makes no difference to YOU if it was intentionally or not.

Naturally her marriage with Quicksilver wasn´t that happy either so that decision came back to bite her in the ( inhumanly sexy ) butt. Sometimes you only know a good thing when it´s gone.

So despite her ability to fill out the yellow in just the right spots and her MILF status she gets negative points for bad taste in men and having the break up manners of an Alpha Primitive.

Fantastix Finalist Number Two : Susan Storm

Of course Marvel´s number one MILF has to be in one of the top spots. As the most important and most visible ( no pun intended ) of the female team members the Invisible Woman has not only great inner strength but also a stunning physique. For a long time she remained in the shadow of her male team mates until John Byrne brought her more to the forefront and turned her into the most powerful person ( or MPP ) of the Fantastic Four. Before that she had to play the role of damsel in distress far too often and it almost seemed that she got captured any other day.

One of her captors was Namor who instantly saw that she needed much more attention than Reed was giving her. Now in the comics it´s always played of a kind of romance between Namor and Susan with all the sexual tension involved and bla bla bla. But how would that be looked upon in the real world ? Okay, you tell me what your family would think if your wife would have a well endowed stud on the side. Because no one can tell me that all they do is snorkeling when she´s taking a vacation from Reed.

And I don´t want to think what you guys out there would be called if you had two girlfriends. That would be even worse. Because we learned from SEX AND THE CITY that it´s highly liberating and a sign of emancipation if a woman has a male friend only for uninhibited sex marathon sessions. But when a man does the same thing with a woman it´s chauvinistic, totally degrading ( for all women in the world ) and totally disgusting.

God, men are so primitive !

And you thought there were no heavy topics in comics. Anyway, one of the reasons why I don´t like Namor that much ( besides being an insufferable blowhead ) is that he´s always trying to get Susan to leave her man. Which I have to say she didn´t do even when she thought him dead. So while she is sexually overactive she still stands by her man. And she still kept her figure after 3 kids. She´s the Heidi Klum of the superhero set.

You may say that while this Über MILF may have the body of a sexbomb her costume looks very conservative but let´s not forget her stripper costume with the patented " peek - a - boo " fantastic four logo window

or her sadomaso Malice outfit. Blondes really do have more fun.

So now you may be asking yourself who is in the number one position. Who could beat the mother of all Fantastic Four women ? Who could rank higher than the ultimate mammary mamacita ? And here´s your answer :

Fantastix Finalist Number One : Lyja

edit : I had to cut this part because I had just put too many pictures of hot babes in it ( I managed to cut it down from 52 to 24 ) and the thing took forever to load. But you can read the following part in full here

When Ben Grimm returned from the planet of the Beyonder he found his girl Alicia in the arms of another guy : Johnny Storm. This time it was Johnny´s turn to be " the other guy " who ended up marrying the ex - girlfriend of the idol of millions. It was later revealed that it was not the real Alicia Masters he had married but a skrull who had taken her place.

When Johnny found out he was really pi$$ed and left her to rescue the real Alicia Masters from the scheming skrulls and Lyja seemingly died during that mission. She later returned together with the skrull who had initiated the whole plan but discovered that she still loved Johnny.

It got much more complicated than that involving her getting pregnant with Johnny´s baby or better his egg. Sounds weird and WAS weird.

 Anyway in the MC2 universe they´re married and have two kids.

Now what´s the reason that Lyja is my number 1 ? She is extremely hot, her body´s booming and she green like everyone´s favorite Jade giantess but does she really look hotter than Susan ? No, but because of her shape shifting abilities she can look as hot as Susan Storm does. Or She Hulk.

Or any other woman in this ranking or any of the previous COMICBABE BATTLE editions. Really. She can look like any woman in the Marvel universe. Or in the normal universe. Any celebrity, movie star, tv star.

Think about it : not only the hot actresses of Today but also classic screen legends like Marylin Monroe, Jane Russell, Sophia Loren, Barbara Bach, Bella Cortez and so on when they were in their prime. Like Raquel Welch.

Lyja can become any ethnicity you like may it be afro american, or caucasian although there are many possibilities there like swedish or czechoslovacian, russian, spanish, cuban, colombian and mexican.

Ah, yes, exotic women. Well, there are mixed latin girls like swimsuit model Claudia Verela ( I couldn´t find out anything more specific, sorry )

hawaiian girls like supreme fitness / swimsuit model Sasha Ogata

as well as haitian girls like ethnic glamour model Fibi Love

and girls from the dominican republic who are famous for having the best asses in the world. Looking at this picture of Rosa Acosta I must concur.

Now my kryptonite are those asian sexbombs that just drive me crazy especially if they are of mixed origin like Akira Lane, descendant of a hawaiian father and a japanese mother, what a wonderful combination !

So in addition to being of any ethnicity you can think of Lyja can be every woman you know and any you can imagine. The typical girl next door

as easily as waitress, nun, your Mom´s big breasted friend or the high school teacher / cheerleader / babysitter you always dreamed about.

She can be every shape, size or form. Tall, small, more voluptuous

or thinner like lean, mean, bikini model Jenny Poussin.

Black hair, blonde, brunette or redhead. Every video game crush you had.

 Any sci fi babe you lusted after, either as the actress who plays the role

or as the character from the show ( like sex borg Seven of Nine ).

She can wear the outfits they never dared to put on the television

she can even adapt her entirely to your sexual preferences, pal.

Aliens from any corner of the galaxy of any color, shape, size, form and even some kind of sexual slave elf / magical succubus is a possibility.

Now you may think how real can it be if you know it´s not the real deal. But you have to keep in mind that even the Fantastic Four couldn´t tell the difference between Lyja and Alicia . And if it looks like a duck, sound like a duck and feels like a duck who cares if it´s really a duck or not ?

It´s the same thing with breast implants. Women are always talking about how they are not " real " and call them fake. Like we men would really care about things like that. Like the Rock would say : IT DOESN´T MATTER IF THEY ARE REAL. They are there and that´s all that matters.

I mean what do I care if Janet Jackson or Pamela Anderson or someone else had a boobjob ( and I´m not saying they did ) ? In my situation all I can do is look at them - if I´m very lucky. That´s all. Just look at them.

And not up close and personal but instead on pictures on the internet or in men´s magazines or on television series like BAYWATCH or in movies.

So I don´t care if they´re " real ", how much they had to pay for them or how they might feel in the highly unlikely event that I would not only be in the position to touch them but - and that´s a big but - in the much more unbelievable event that someone like Alyssa Milano, Elvira, Halle Berry

or Valerie Cormier would let me touch them. I´ll cross that bridge when I come to it. That´s been my philosophy in life so far and I´ll stick to it.

So I guess everybody has his own definition of what´s real and what´s not. Sorry for my little rant but I just get kind of carried away talking about breasts. Back to the topic of comicbabes the pictures you have seen are just a tiny fragment of the possibilities you have with Lyja.

( This is not even half of it and you can go here to see the full version )

Which is why I just had to make her the number one fantastix female. Not just because she´s totally breathtaking in her normal, " real " form but especially for her versatility. You just can´t compete with that.

And that´s the end for this category, I hope you enjoyed it. Up next we will take a look at all the hot ladies I put in the SPIDERGALS section. Peter Parker may have what has become known as the " Parker luck " but boy, does he come in contact with a lot of hot spandexclad bunnies. But we will talk more about that in detail when the COMICBABE BATTLE continues.

New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best


Anonymous said...

Yow. You make an excellent point with the skrull thing. And here I thought Sue Storm was a foregone conclusion!

SUBZERO said...

Yes, at first I also thought about putting Susan Storm in the number one position - especially since I decided to leave She Hulk out. But while compiling the pictures I came to the conclusion that Lyja should be in a higher position.

What I always wondered was that the skrull always tried to attack earth or take it over through military means. Since their women can look like every earth woman the y could easily infiltrate our whole society like the " Parker Girls " in STRANGERS IN PARADISE. Just flood the city with dozens of playmates who get the men in all the key positions to do their bidding.

Man, if I was writing the Fantastic Four that would be my stroyline. I mean do you think Johnny Storm would really try to stop them ?

Anyway, I always thought that the artist of She Hulk must be lazy. Or does the writer really expect us to believe that someone like DITTO who can look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp sits at home in his unmetionables watching football on tv ? What would you do ? Sit at home looking like a red smurf or partying with young, impressinable, nubile groupies ?