Originally written on Thursday, the 19th of July 2012 - with some updates
Today Joan Severance celebrates her 60th birthday, and this MILF is a credit to model turned actresses everywhere. Why waste her statuesque, black - haired, high - assed beauty on getting married and raising kids somewhere back in your native Texas ? When Joan's big acting break on the 1980s network sensation Wiseguy failed to fire up an a - list career, the extra stacked sexpot promptly took her place at the head of the Bs.
So far I have only mentioned Joan Severance as part of the cast of See No Evil Hear No Evil. The movie is not one of the better Gene Wilder movies, but it is still shown on tv and I guess it is mostly for the scene where Joan is topless in the shower. And I´m not saying naked because while Joan technically is naked in the scene we never get to see her lower body.
Of course I have to mention that Joan starred in two non comic related movies as a superheroine namely in Black Scorpion ( 1995 ) and Black Scorpion II : Aftershock ( 1997 ) two tv productions that showed why superheroes who are not based on actual comic books suck in most cases.
Now although Joan had a pretty hot outfit in Black Scorpion and showed a lot of cleavage the scripts just weren´t good enough and Hollywood still treated comic movies like the big cashcows they turned into after Blade.
In the Black Scorpion movies Joan Severance plays cop Darcy Walker, who is on patrol in Angel City. Because too many crooks escape the law she dresses up as a superhero all clad in tight leather. And in her domina outfit she finally feels sexy enough to finally have hot sex with her stud partner.
Now as a classy woman who seems a bit out of place in the softcore genre Joan would have deserved a real career but she can convince as a super heroine. Although it is strange that somebody would cast a body double for her only nude scene like people will not be able to see the difference.
And who can you get as a body double for sex goddess Joan Severance ?
Be that as it may, while both movies were done by the same production team they are very different in style : the first one is much darker and action oriented while the second one is very colorful, grell and tries weird camera angles and other strange gimmicks. That fits the villains and Gangster Prankster but the sequel can´t achieve the first one´s quality.
As longtime readers know one of my pet pevees on this blog is celebrating all the brave buxom actresses who turn insufferable dreck into bearable entertainment by taking their clothes off on screen or at least show what their Mama gave them and who don´t get enough recognition for that.
( sorry, I have no idea who the stunning Busenwunder above is but any information about this wet sex dream a.k.a. my future wife is welcome )
So I have to mention the one redeeming quality of Black Scorpion II : Aftershock : sexbomb Laura Herring who delivers one of the breast scenes of the movie . If she was my secretary I wound pound her body 24 / 7.
Back to Black Scorpion, both movies still were successful enough - after running on Showtime they naturally made more money in video sales - that they turned it into a tv series. Roger Corman produced the show and used the same plot on all episodes : some costumed bad guy wants to destroy Angel City until Black Scorpion stops him. There are between one and three hot pursuits ( always with lots of explosions ) and following the old Andy Sidaris formula all female roles are played by playmates like Patricia Ford, nubian sex goddess Traci Banghim , Lisa Boyle ( 17 in the series ), Athena Massey or the always present 90s soft sex legend Shannon Whirry..
Andy Sidaris was probably THE BEST director of action movies for adults and his cast read like a WHOS´S WHO of playmates : Roberta Vasquez , Ava Cadell , brunette Cynthia Brimhall, Dona Speir , Pandora Peaks, Julie Strain , Shae Marks, Samantha Phillips and Julie K. Smith to name just a few.
Usually I just copy / paste the part about Becky Mullen into the posts but I am trying to keep this one short so I will skip it. For those who haven´t read any of my previous Andy Sidaris posts there is the main post where I wrote a bit about one of my unsung heroes , the Casting the Justice League of America movie Andy Sidaris special with a lot of stuff about Dona Speir, Roberta Vazquez, Cynthia Brimhall and the Tutti Frutti girls, the Ava Cadell solo post , the Dona Speir post ( with reposts in 2017 and this year ), the Sybil Danning post and the Becky Mullen post ( which I reposted in 2016 ) where you can find tons of links to other cult sirens like Janet Jones Gretzky and real live Power Girl Leslie Easterbrook who had the most famous scene in which she emerges from a pool in a wet t - shirt , the annual re - posts of italian mega soccer MILF Simona Ventura , blonde sexsation Monique Sluyter and of course the obligatory Tutti Frutti girls.
Coming back to the Black Scorpion tv series for the fans of comics there are also guest appearances by Adam West, Sam Jones or Lou Ferrigno.
Since Joan Severance was not interested in reprising her role of Black Scorpion Roger Corman tried to get Julie Strain but it seems the tv guys knew all of her naughty movies ( who would have thought ) so the former Miss Kansas Michelle Lintel was cast who didn´t have Julie Strain´s box office pull - or her measurements - but who seems much more sympatico.
Well, Julie Strain was in most erotic movies from that time and like the aforemented Shae Marks she appeared in a lot of Andy Sidaris movies.
Julie Strain debuted in FIT TO KILL, where she played the evil Blue Steele, then she portrayed bad girl Jewel Panther in ENEMY GOLD and bad girl Black Widow in THE DALLAS CONNECTION . The movie is also known under the title DEADWORKS and features two sexbombs who were in a few of Andy Sidaris´ later movies : Julie Strain and Julie K. Smith a.k.a. Julie & Julie the double rack attack. There are two great scenes ( among others ) in DALLAS CONNECTION : in the first one Julie Strain is tying a guy to a chair and stripping to make him ultrahorny - before killing the poor guy.
And because she wanted a recurring role in DAY OF THE WARRIOR and RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH Julie Strain became federal agent Willow Black.
To keep expenses low they used every action sequence they could find in Roger Corman´s extensive movie archive. In theory this project couldn´t go wrong - superheroes were the new trend, there were dozens of hot playmates in costumes low on fabric, a few b - movie cult star as guests and lots of action. Enough to blow away series like Renegade ( which had hot Kathleen Kinmont who was just born for porn ) or Silk Stalkings, right ?
The problem is that tv series and movie series are different. While you can do the same story over and over again with b - movie sequels since most fans just want more of the same the television audience will change the channel after the third episode with the same plot. And cult stars and playmates don´t bring higher ratings on television. That´s why the television series Black Scorpion looks more like a series of tv movies. So it´s not surprising it never made it to german television audiences.
At this point some of my readers might be going : " Wait a minute, this guy is telling me BLACK SCORPION was not based on a comic book but i have seen such a comic book somewhere. " The deal here is that there is indeed a ROGER CORMAN`S BLACK SCORPION comic book published by Bluewater Productions, the same company that published the new LOGAN`S RUN comics. And the BLACK SCORPION comics are based on the BLACK SCORPION movies and the tv series not the other way around.
Joan Severance graced the waves of late night programming with a body that just beckoned for some softcore action and made a staple of herself on premium cable movie channels beginning a creative partnership on Showtime's skintillating Red Shoe Diaries, where she was muff - baring muse to mentor Zalman King. King is the crown prince of skinsational erotic thrillers, and his expertise is epitomized in Lake Consequence .
Because you can´t do a post about Joan Severance without mentioning her best softcore movie Lake Consequence in which she plays a housewife whose sexual appetite gets ignited when she falls asleep in a worker´s trailer and embarks on a journey to debauchery and lots of wild sex. Joan shined in an outdoor sex scene. She shined in an indoor sex scene. She shined wetly in a shower stall lesbo sex scene. Of course the real sexbomb of the movie is needy May Karasun who plays a living sex doll. I swear if she doesn´t look like a blow up doll come to life I don´t know. You want to push her against the shower wall and give it to her till your dick gives out.
Now I´m not so sure about Illicit Behaviour . It´s a crime story but it has been some time since I saw it and I couldn´t find reliable info on the web.
What is sure is that Jack Scalia plays her husband, a cop suspended for use of excessive force who takes his frustration out on her ( in the bedroom if he has half a brain ). Now either she turns to two other cops for help who then start slam - banging her brains out or she tricks her husband into killing her brother and then dicktames a guy from internal affairs to kill her husband. The thing with her brother is that when they were teenagers he started using his sister as his private blow up sex doll and she can´t get him to stop. So every time he´s in town he hammers Joan like a cheap prostitute just for old times sake - if she wants it or not. Naturally her hubby´s not too thrilled that her brother is wearing out his favorite sextoy and kills him. I think she then tries to get the insurance money for her husband ( if it´s the movie where she gets double teamed by the cops she asked for help ) or the insurance money and the inheritance.
With erotic movies and even more so soft core porn there is often the question if the actors are only faking having sex or are doing it for real and with a sex goddess like Joan Severance it would not surprise me if most of her co - stars or all of them took advantage of her. There are for example rumors that the threeway romp in the movie where she asks two cops for help ( whichever movie that may be ) was not in the script but Joan got the guys so horny they could not help themselves. The director decided to change the script accordingly - after a substantial bribe by the two actors which involved sexual favors with big breasted relatives - so the perverts could drill Joan in front of the camera to their hearts content.
Supposedly they continued this after shooting was finished for the day and soon Joan was sexually assaulted in her trailer on a daily basis. She tried to fight them off but by this time her third male co - star had joined in on the fun and she was simply overpowered. Joan was helpless and had to spread her legs wide for a beating by three giant pulsating schlongs.
It is also implied that Billy Zane, her co - star from Lake Consequence, who is extremely well endowed had such an incredible erection thanks to his nude scenes with Joan Severance that they could not get his boner down even after Joan massaged his rock hard member with her boobs, gave him a deepthroat blowjob and he had sex with her in many positions. Living blow up sex doll May Karasun then volunteered to merciless slambang his brains out but even after a sex marathon that lasted a few hours Billy´s billy was still going strong. In the end it took the combined efforts of May and Joan to milk his balls dry so that they could resume shooting after he had drowned them in cum. Of course they filmed it all which is how the sex orgy in the sauna came about although most of their wild sex party was too explicit and ended up in the director´s personal porn collection.
Since I have already written so much about comics and Black Scorpion I must do the obligatory comic movie casting and the first thing that comes to mind is of course Marvel´s the Black Widow a.k.a. Natasha Romanova.
Yes, I know that Scarlett Johansson is playing that role now and she does a terrific job but when I wrote this back in 2012 there was no Marvel cinematic universe to speak of. So Joan Severance seemed like a good choice especially when you keep in mind that Joan had done plenty of nude scenes so it would not be a problem for her while Scarlett is one of the actresses who has gone on record that she won´t do nude scenes even if it is important for the movie. And with the whole Me Too thing and the SJWs even a boob flash is probably already a thing of the past.
But that was still years in the future when I first wrote this. Ah, the sweet days of comic book freedom unspoiled by movie execs. Anyway, the Black Widow was playing a big part in the WINTER SOLDIER comic and I wondered what really went on between them while he was brainwashed.
Did she abuse her power as his handler sexually ? Whenever he went missing they sent her to bring him back and I guess she used her secret spy special sex training to dicktame " Fucky " Barnes´ monsterschlong.
On the other hand who knows if the russians only did those technical augmentations on his arm. Maybe he also got some special devices and some training to really wear out all those hostile female agents. On some occassions Bucky could use his big warhead to overpower Black Widow.
In any case, for a while they were an item and you can bet that Natasha had wrapped her lips tightly around Cap´s former sidekick´s boner. When those two went at it the sex action was hotter than in any porn movie.
And speaking about the Marvel universe I always wondered about the repercussions of CIVIL WAR for someone like Black Widow ( longtime readers may remember that when I first wrote about CIVIL WAR I said that unlike most crossovers the fallout would be felt for years ). As a former russian spy who would trust her ? Maybe Tony Stark would abuse his position in S.H.I.E.L.D. to " interrogate " her in the special soundproof cell where he attacks her porn star body with his giant member again and again and again and again. All in the name of national security, of course.
Since we talked so much about scorpions, for people of my generation Joan Severance is also best known for being in the Scorpions music video The Rhythm Of Love which may be tame by Todays standards but which wasn´t shown on Mtv before midnight. And only the censored version.
One of the reasons why I like writing this blog is that I find out new things like the fact that hardbody Joan Severance posed nude for PLAYBOY magazine. I guess I stopped reading the mag on a regular basis too early.
Holy gluteus maximus, Batman ! I swear if I had the issue with this butt shot of Joan when I was a teenager I never would have left the house.
Okay, maybe that´s exaggerated since I did have quite the collection of porn mags and DID leave the house nevertheless. But I have seen many photo shoots with actresses or celebrities and these pics are awesome. I have to see if I can find the issue at some convention or flea market.
Today´s other anniversary I want to acknowledge is Chet Baker since I don´t have the chance to post some jazz music on the blog very often.
Since I also mentioned Lisa Boyle, if you know her it´s either from her pictures in PLAYBOY and the over 25 Playboy magazine Special Editions where she was often paired with Patricia Ford, her roles in such erotic classics like Friend Of The Family, Midnight Tease, Dreammaster - The Erotic Invader and I Like To Play Games Too showing everything she got or her recurring role on 1980s / 1990s cult sitcom Married With Children.
She played Fawn, one of Kelly´s bosom buddies - with a huge emphasis on the bosom part - and constantly outshone Christina Applegate like in this scene from the episode Spring Break - Part 1 from season 10 where she really pushed her 35Cs so tightly together in her tiny red bikini top when she´s leaning forward that I totally forgot that Christina was in the shot.
Here is a documentary about Married With Children which not only put the tv network abc on the map but was quite groundbreaking in its time.
Somebody else I have mentioned is Scarlet Johansson and while a lot of people are complaining about this Saturday Night Live shows why we are lucky Disney hasn´t done a Black Widow movie. There was a time when I could not wait to see the newest Marvel movie in the theater but now I have some trepidation to even watch it on tv. The saddest part is that they changed Thor to the wimpy version from this skit and nobody cares because it makes Thor more relatable and funnier. Dammit ! Thor is not SUPPOSED to be relatable or funny. He is the frikkin nordic God of Thunder, a god of war whose idea of dying a righteous death is going down in a blaze of glory and taking as many enemies to Hel as he can.
Never surrender, never yield and never give in to the warrior madness !
This guy does not cry out of fear of having his hair cut, when somebody destroys Mjolnir he just gets the dwarfs to reforge it ( it is after all just a weapon and any weapon can be repaired ) and he certainly is not a girl.
Now as somebody who knows the original story of The Infinity Gauntlet I know that they needed that particular ending in the last Avengers movie to get from a to b. Nevertheless they could have done without a lot of senseless jokes or writing everybody like they were the same character and people don´t have different personalities. Be that as it may a lot of stuff made no sense and to top it off it would have been so easy to make a good ending. The guys from How It Should Have Ended really know how to voice what everybody is thinking and they really hit it out of the park.
Speaking about the original story of The Infinity Gauntlet here is another video for the uninitiated although my advice would be not to watch this before seeing the next Avengers movie if you don´t want to be spoilered.
Man, what´s with all the comic book content ? I should be using the rare opportunity of having another cult siren post to put more videos on the blog that are not safe for work but instead I am churning out videos about comics and the Avengers. Don´t worry though, I still have plenty of these for future post. In any case, to keep up appearances here is the pilot episode for a PLAYBOY series and I´m not sure if it was picked up or not. We do have James Caan and Arnold Schwarzenegger in this one though.
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