Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Happy birthday cult siren Salma Hayek !

Today movie cult siren Salma Hayek celebrates her 49th birthday so I wanted to re - post her proper celebrity birthday post from last year.


And I´m saying " proper " because on my first try I got distracted with my whole rant about Salma Hayek´s wardrobe malfunction on WETTEN DASS .


I´m still miffed about that. Now this post is not going to cover all her movies. To be honest I haven´t seen all of them especially the dramas because I have enough of that in life as it is. So I´m only going to talk about a few of her movies where I think I have something to say about them. Or they are some of my favorite movies / tv series with her in it so I MUST put some pictures of Salma Hayek from the movies on my blog.


I´m not sure, but I think the first thing I saw her in was DESPERADO which is one of the few films where I´m glad that I saw it in the german version first. Normally I´m always bitching about the german dubbing but I must admit that in the scenes where Antonio Banderas asks Salma Hayek if he has thanked her already and she replies that he hasn´t the german phrase " Kommt noch. " sounds waay cooler than " I will. "

The movie is one of my favorites and for me Antonio Banderas sings really good even if he doesn´t think so. He absolutely nails it with his rendition of MORENA DE MI CORAZON ( also called Cancion del Mariachi on the soundtrack ) which has been on my mp3 playlist for years.



One of the things I never understood is how many people - movie critics included - claim that DESPERADO is a remake of EL MARIACHI by Roberto Rodriguez. Which it is not. If you have seen both movies you know that Antonio Banderas plays the character who was left for dead at the end of EL MARIACHI and who returns to take his rightful revenge in DESPERADO.

I remember that the movie EL MARIACHI was so popular in Germany at that time that inkplosion did a comic called LOS 7 MARIACHIS even though most germans had no idea what a Mariachi is. One of the readers in all honesty asked what the seven Mariachis were doing for a living.


The next movie I want to include in this tribute post is FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, and not only because it´s one of the Top Ten Movie Stripteases.

DON`T GET NERVOUS, SHAKE THAT S#!T LIKE JAMIE LEE CURTIS

It´s number 5, just after Jamie Lee Curtis´ incredible dance on TRUE LIES about which I already did a post although I´m not so sure about that. Neither Natalie Portman nor Elisa Cuthbert are on my list and I would even exclude Kim Basinger. If I had to come up with a strip list it would be :

1. Halle Berry ( Last Boy Scout )


2. Demi Moore ( Striptease )


3. Erika Eleniak ( Under Siege )


4. Jamie Lee Curtis ( True Lies )


5. Salma Hayek ( From Dusk Till Dawn )


6. Elizabeth Berkley ( Showgirls )


7. Claudia Christian ( The Hidden )


8. Pamela Anderson ( Barb Wire )


9. Kathleen Kinmont ( The Corporate Ladder )


10. Jessica Biel ( Powder Blue )


And one of my goals in life is to do posts on TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN on all of the sexy nominees on that best striptease list.


VAMPIRES AND MECHANICAL SPIDERS : OH, THE HORROR OF IT ALL !

But coming back to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN it is a really good horror movie with a unique revelation at the end. And of course a sexy striptease - although I think it´s more of a table dance since Salma does not really take off that much and she dances most of the time on a table.



The movie made us feel bad though, because it was announced around that time that George Clooney was going to be Batman in the next BATMAN movie and after seeing how badass he was in this we were all just beyond ourselves. After Val Kilmer we were all ready for a good Batman movie ( Nicole Kidman was the only good thing in that movie )


but then the whole Joel Schumacher thing happened and the " nipples on the Batman costume " thing happened and then the whole BAT franchise crashed and burned for decades until Christopher Nolan breathed new life back into the mythos. At least in BATMAN BEGINS. That´s the good one.

The second one had some parts I didn´t like and let´s not even begin on the third one. Especially since that´s not what this post is all about.

Although to tell the truth I have completely forgotten what this post is supposed to be about. Coming back to FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, it is one of the movies which is heavily censored in Germany but you can still watch it on tv because so far they haven´t cut out her table dance. There are some jokes that Quentin Tarantino wrote that part into the script to get a sexy dance from Salma Hayek but that´s what good directors do.


And it´s not like the audience has a different opinion than Mr. Tarantino. I think one reason why he´s so successful is that he hasn´t forgotten what people want to see on the screen. Not like with WILD WILD WEST.


You may have wondered why there was a giant mechanical spider in the movie and the answer to that is simple : producer Jon Peters put it in.


He was the producer along with director Sonnenfeld and in AN EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH, Kevin Smith talked about working with Peters on a fifth potential SUPERMAN film in 1997, revealing that Peters had three demands for the script. The first demand was that Superman not wear the suit, the second was that Superman not fly, and the third was to have Superman fight a giant spider in the third act. After Tim Burton came on board, Smith's script was tossed away and the film was never produced due to further complications. A year later, he noted that WILD WILD WEST was released with the inclusion of a giant mechanical spider in the final act. Neil Gaiman has also said that Jon Peters insisted a giant mechanical spider be included in a film adaptation of THE SANDMAN.


By the way, when I was doing the research for FROM DUSK TILL DAWN I knew that it was so successful that it spawned two sequels ( FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2 - TEXAS BLOOD MONEY and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3 - THE HANGMAN`S DAUGHTER ) but I didn´t know they also made a tv series about it. I haven´t watched any of this yet but I know that the movies at least are heavily cut so I´m probably going to watch them in Spain.


Back to Salma Hayek, before her table dance she also starred in WILD WILD WEST wearing ..... let´s face it : not too much clothing. At least in her first scenes, later on she wore a lot of fabric. I guess they needed some spicy clips for the trailer so they could get the moviegoers money.


I mean what´s the deal with designing such an lingerie outfit for Salma Hayek and then covering her up for most of the movie ? I´m not saying that well endowed actresses have to be naked all the time. They can wear something for five minutes and get naked later on which is more sexy.


No, really, in my opinion if you have an actress with a stunning physique than you have to use that if you are a good director. And you seize the opportunity if you have an oscar - winning actor like Mickey Rourke in a movie instead of giving Dennis Rodman more screentime because you want to be his buddy or you´re smoking weed together. Also I think it should be a rule in horror movies that female characters only die after they have been naked. You might think this IS a rule - especially if you have seen the SCREAM saga - but it isn´t. Trust me, I have seen dozens of horror movies were whole squads of hot, nubile chicks met their end before undressing. What a waste. And it´s the same with Salma Hayek.


But that´s DISNEY for you. When I first wrote this post on my other blog I was wondering how bad they were going to f - word up the new SPIDER - MAN and FANTASTIC FOUR movies but I was still slightly optimistic. I thought all they could ruin were the movies and now look what they have done to the comics as well. After decades of hoping that movies could make an impact on comics we finally find out that this is the worst that could happen to comics because movies are just without any remorse.

Right now I´m reading the second JON SABLE OMNIBUS and I have to say I´m enjoying it more than most of the books the big two put out these days. Even if the size is a bit small at first Mike Grell´s art doesn´t really loose that much and his writing is as good - if not better - than on his GREEN ARROW series. He dares a few things that would make DC or Marvel scream and his characters are so compelling. If you want to enjoy the art in the proper size you should go for the regular trades but if you want to read a lot in cheap, thick chunks go for the omnibus thingies.

 
Back to WILD WILD WEST Salma does have some good scenes in the movie but ultimately she´s not a likeable or sympathetic character because she plays the helpless damsel in distress the whole movie until the end when the old, decrepit " father " Will Smith and Kevin Kline have almost died to save turns out to her virile, potent and young husband.

It´s the part of the movie that bugs me. That and the giant mechanical spider. I guess that´s the realistic part that this sweet and hot looking massita is in reality a lying, scheming woman who seduces the heroes to get what she wants but I don´t have to go to the movies for that.



LOVE IN AN ELEVATOR, OR AT LEAST SALMA HAYEK TAKING IT OFF

And to wrap things up, one last thing I have to mention is the tv show UGLY BETTY where Salma made a guest appearance and had some memorable scenes like this one where she gets some coffee on her shirt.

She then takes it off to reveal her impressive breasts in a black bra.


The ratings for ABC’s new show UGLY BETTY haven’t been bad at all. It’s consistently ranked in the Top 20 TV shows by Nielsen Media. However, when the show’s producer is Salma Hayek, there’s a vested interest to make it a Top 10 hit. So how do you ensure that happens? By appearing as a guest, taking off your shirt and exposing your chest to the entire world!


Salma Hayek has got to be the hottest actress in Hollywood who´s beyond 40 years old. If Salma had pulled pull stunts like this on a regular basis, I’m sure many more guys would tune in to watch, because Betty Suarez just doesn’t cut it. I mean she´s an okay character and the show is fine that even has a positive message underneath it all but - as time proved later on - most guys only watched the episodes Salma Hayek appeared in.


Or like another blogger put it : Here's some pictures of Salma Hayek from her new TV show ' Ugly Betty '-- though a better name would be ' Holy Christ, look at Salma Hayek's Massive Cans '. The only reason these pictures are newsworthy is .... well .... they're actually not newsworthy at all. But who cares! Look at those sweater - puppies. I haven't seen someone with funbags this huge since I spent last Saturday night photoshopping a screen - cap of DJ Tanner on Full House.


I had started to watch the series the last time I was in Spain and at first I was only waiting for the moment when Salma Hayek appears ( I guess I somehow heard about it on the internet ). I was always taping it on the VCR so I could watch it later because my Mom was always watching PRISON BREAK or THE UNIT at that time. At first I was fast forwarding the whole episodes until they got to the good parts with Salma Hayek.


But more and more I watched whole episodes and what can I say, I got hooked. As far as I can see the show is much better than the spanish version YO SOY BEA or the german version VERLIEBT IN BERLIN ( which is not saying too much ). The spanish show suffers from the usual tropes of a telenovela and most of the characters are just weird freaks. And let me not get started on the german version. Whoever casted Alexandra Neldel in the main role didn´t do a good job because you know right from the first scene that she´s gonna doll up at the end. Which is so predictable. But that´s the message for us : only beautiful people get a happy end.



Now the american version is much more layered than that and surprising which may have something to do with the fact that Salma Hayek herself is producing it. It also makes sense that the guy from the fashion company hires Betty Suarez as the main desk clerk. He has been having affairs with all his secretaries so far and his Dad hires the only one who he will not land in bed with. Or if he does that will probably scare him off for good. In the german version this woman just shows up and gets hired without any special explanation just because it has always been her dream and she wants it that much. I´m not saying that this could not happen in real life but if they really would do that I think one of the stipulations would be that she had to look the part of main representative of a fashion company - it´s not like there is nothing they can work with.

The first thing I thought when I saw part of the finale of VERLIEBT IN BERLIN was that the main character would have had a ten times easier life if  she had used some make up from the first day at work forward.


In UGLY BETTY the story is rather interesting, they have much better writers, much better actors and there is even a murder mystery involved.


The characters are ..... well, not all of them are likeable but even the biggest heel has some depth to him and you start rooting for Betty. There are some nice life lessons hidden in the episodes now and then and they easily make the switch from drama to comedy to thriller and back again. And it doesn´t hurt when Salma takes off her shirt on the show.


Now before we come to the video section of this post I want to address a reader request who wanted to see a picture of me in uniform from the time I did my military service in Munich. Sorry, I don´t have any fotos on the net from that period of my life but maybe this one can console you a bit. And who wants to see a picture of me when he can have this, right ?

 
Since I have already included clips of all the movies and tv shows I have mentioned in the post here she is on David Letterman´s Late Night show.



Since I posted my personal TOP TEN MOVIE STRIPTEASE list in this here is a video with the official version of the sexiest movie stripteasers.



We also tackled the topic of vampires - kind of - so I wanted to include this funny video about how life as a vampire would really be like.



For all my comic depraved readers here is CONTINUARA with another great argentinian comic : MORT CINDER created by Alberto Breccia.



This is the part where I recommend a cartoon series but Today I want to do something different. I already mentioned UNTERWEGS MIT ODYSSEUS in one of my post but I just found out that the series is available on DVD.

The series is part documentary and part cartoon show since it documents the three month travel of a ship crew following the route Odysseus took according to the myths, which are told in animated form. I remember it fondly because it´s one of the few tv shows we could watch with my father without problems. I guess he was interested in the sailing part while we kids were more interested in the animated parts. The series is informative, funny and the music is equally cool. I´m watching this right now and I get a real kick out of it. The hilarious text by Anton Zink is voiced by the late Hans Clarin who is best known for being the voice of Meister Eder´s Pumuckl. I don´t think the series has been translated into other languages but I highly recommend this for my german readers.



New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best
 

2 comments:

GOODSTUFF said...

For Science and Health! Salma Hayek conducted a double- boob, er -blind study that says it is actually healthy to stare at a woman’s breasts... The study found the men who stared at breasts more often showed lower rates of heart problems, a lower resting heart rate and lower blood pressure. The authors of the study recommend that men stare at female breasts for 10 minutes a day, while drinking coffee.

Well, enough of the introductory lecture. Now, time for some therapy!
http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2015/08/goodstuffs-blogging-magazine-204th-issue.html

SUBZERO said...

I knew it. I don´t know about the coffee but I try to compensate with extending the 10 minutes. To bad this doesn´t help with other health problems because then I would be the healthiest man in Neckarweihingen.