TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN: Weird Wednesday : Big Barda's sex tapes !

Well, we have covered John Byrne's revamping of Superman in the MAN OF STEEL six issue mini series and taken a look at the LEGENDS six issue mini series that brought all of the important players together to re - from the Justice League of America ( even if the actual team turned out much different than advertised in the last pages of LEGENDS ) so now we are ready to dive into John Byrne's run on SUPERMAN and ACTION COMICS but I feel that before we can do that we have to address the elephant in the room which in this case is Big Barda's forgotten sex tape.

With this story we make a jump to issues 592 and 593 of ACTION COMICS which under John Byrne's pen had become a team - up title in the vein of DC COMICS PRESENTS in which Superman met up with other DC Comics heroes as this was often the first time they meet in this new continuity.

In this two part story John Byrne recounts the first meeting between Superman and Mister Miracle but especially Mister Miracle's wife Big Barda and boy, it's a whopper. Now longtime followers of the blog may remember that we have already tackled this subject in my BIG BARDA : DEATH, LIES AND VIDEOTAPES spotlight from 2012 but since it has been almost 14 years since then I felt like it's about time to dissect this a bit further especially since there are some aspects of the story I always promised to address later but never did. Also there is a Mandela Effect tied to this story I want to bring to the attention of if not the comicbook reading public in general than at least to the readers of this little blog.

Now we won't be repeating everything from my previous post here and all who have not read the post may want to check it out as I discuss everything and the kitchen sink - as that is how we roll here on TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN - from Jack Kirby's FOURTH WORLD saga to Mister Miracle and Big Barda's history, Big Barda's real life inspiration singer / actress Lainie Kazan and various mini series that played in Jack Kirby's Fourth World like the excellent DEATH OF THE NEW GODS by Jim Starlin .

And there is also a post about MISTER MIRACLE that I did in 2018 with a lot of original artwork that newer blog visitors might want to check out.

BORN FOR PORN : BIG BARDA AND BIG BREEDA ( NOMEN EST OMEN !!! )

In the original FOURTH WORLD comics by Jack Kirby - and this definitely changed in the NEW 52 - Big Barda was built like a brick shithouse with the personality of a lady trucker, the muscles of a bodybuilder, the hot measurements of a Playmate Of The Year and the cupsize of a porn star.

She got that from her even bigger breasted mother Big Breeda, the fiercest female on Apokolips who - nomen est omen - was therefore selected by Darkseid himself for breeding the next race of warriors.

I don´t know if it was because she spurned his advances or if he just thought she would produce the best offspring but it is implied that all the most brutal serial rapists she defeated and humiliated in the arena got their revenge by using her like a cheap blow up sex doll for years !

All for the next generation of Akopolips´ finest of course. Now with Big Barda the melons didn´t fall far from the tree and when she began to develop at an impressive rate, especially in certain parts of her anatomy that had to do with procreation, Darkseid decided to let her follow her mother´s footsteps and - like mother like daughter - introduce Big Barda to the breeding pens - personally - to continue the sexy family tradition.

But Big ( and getting bigger by the day ) Barda knew that something was up when Darkside changed her training attire from her battle armour to a tiny red metal bikini or string bikinis made out of shoe laces and her instruction schedule from weapons training and hand - to - hand combat to extensive stretching while wearing a micro bikini with two hours of doing the splits, wet t - shirt lapdancing, topless rope skipping plus extreme double dildo matches against Lashina all under the personal supervision of Darkseid. In his private quarters. After midnight. Alone.

So as soon as she got wind of Darkseid's perverted penetration sensation plans for her Big Barda decided to ditch Apokolips and hitched the next ride to Earth. According to Big Barda she had managed to do that before Darkseid had a chance to properly break her in but maybe she was so eager to join Mister Miracle because she already tasted the Darkseed.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES : SARAH LOUISE YOUNG as WONDER WOMAN !

Originally I cast Maria Grazia Cucinotta, the italian mega MILF with the giant 39D ( !!! ) melons as Big Barda but keeping in mind her history I may cast her as Big Breeda. Not only to get Maria to do nude scenes that way but also because I could cast Xanthe Tasmine as Big Barda and give the Wonder Woman role to british 90s porn superstar Sarah Louise Young.

We could even have Sarah Louise Young wearing the mega slutty 1990s Mike Deodato sado maso leather outfit . Plus this way we would get to cast an additional sexbomb as anal fixated amazon Artemis and the two had to compete for the right to the title of Wonder Woman in a Last Amazon Standing Double Dildo Penetration Party Weekend. That would be right up Sarah´s alley who has a huge fanbase in my home country.

Yep, she was a big star over there in Germany when I was old enough to rent porn videos. That shows you what an old geezer ( and old pervert ) I am. Also, she was the first one who made porn videos for a price that horny teenagers like me could afford. I mean, new tapes. Because back in those days you could buy used videos at the store but those were watched hundreds of times and only seconds away from combustion.

Not only was Sarah Louise Young the first porn actress to agree a fee of $1,000,000 for a single film, in 1992 she also opened her first sex shop in Hannover, named Sarah Young Erotic Markt, and there would eventually be eleven such shops located in german cities. I think there might have been one in Stuttgart but with all the movies she starred in and the ones she produced Sarah Young was very present in german video stores and sex shops around the time I was old enough to watch her movies. By the time she lived in Spain she also had one of the first adult magazines that were sold together with a videotape. Which here in Spain were sold at newsstands next to comics or newspapers. Yes, some countries do not hide their porn under the table like it´s something to be ashamed of.

IS THAT A MEGA ROD IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME ?

With this as a basis I would have to include a scene with Xanthe Tasmine in the live action Big Barda movie Big Barda vs Darkseid's 1000 Tentacles Of Doom or Spread Your Apokolips Because Here I Come ( of which he will use all to break Big Barda's body in order to bend her will ) where Big Barda and Mister Miracle have to change their clothes and when Scott Free sees Barda's giant naked XXL melons he gets a giant erection.

Which is only natural especially if Big Barda has a pornstar body like Xanthe Tasmine. Now while getting an erection upon seeing such huge knockers is a completely natural reaction it prevents him from putting on a guard's uniform and they only can use a boom tube to get to earth together if they don't blow their cover. Speaking of blowing, as they can't proceed while Mister Miracle has this huge erection Big Barda tells him to spank the monkey but being a superior specimen at his sexual prime that is easier said than done as he is still hard after shooting three loads.

Time is of the essence if they want to catch the next boom tube to earth so after trying in vain to get the big boner to calm down with a handjob Big Barda has to swallow the bitter pill or better swallow the throbbing schlong and use her superior deepthroat skills she acquired during her endless blowjob marathons with Darkseid to get Scott Free to squirt it.

Which happens quite quickly but the more Barda sucks Mister Miracle's stiff mega rod the bigger and harder his erection gets ( and having her giant breasts in full sight all the time doesn't exactly help matters ) so that after making him cum half a dozen times Big Barda realizes she has to get serious. So she uses her patented double breasted tit - fucking dick massage techniques ( which she used to fend off Apokolips biggest and most brutal serial rapists under Darkseid's orders to dicktame her or at least leave the sperm covered sexbomb in such a weakened state that she could not offer any resistance when Darkseid had her brought to his chambers for an all night penetration sensation marathon ) on Scottie.

Which would work on any other guy but because of his obsession with big breasted nympho sluts after his first visit to earth where he accidentally ended up in Power Girl's shower - while she was using a dildo covered with pink kryptonite ( who at first was surprised but when she saw how big his manhood got once he started fondling her titanic twin torpedoes quickly started squeezing his huge boner and rubbing it until it became three times its normal size before using Scott like a living dildo ) - he instantly gets hard again as soon as he sees her boobs squeezing his dick like there's no Tomorrow. So that in the end Barda has no choice but to spread her legs like a phillipino prostitute and slam - fuck his schlong.

After a 3 hour long penetration sensation marathon - where Big Barda merciless milks Mister Miracle's huge cock dry to the last drop until Scott can't get it up anymore and makes Scott squirt like a fire hose so many times that she loses count - they finally gain access to the boom tubes.

As is to be expected Big Barda has to fend off dozens of horny and drunk para demons and warriors - whom she humiliated in the arena and who are now trying to get their revenge by dicktaming her - and they almost miss their opportunity to escape to earth but in the end things work out.

And that's putting it mildly. Because after experiencing Mister Miracle's miraculous growing ability, wondrous hardness and extreme endurance Big Barda decides to put his sexual stamina to the ultimate lubrication sensation test by using all the perverted sexual techniques on him that Darkseid trained her to do so expertly - much to the delight of Apokolips warrior elite who started to take turns tag - teaming her from both ends.

It takes Big Barda two entire weeks to completely wear Mister Miracle's dick out and after the unparalleled fuck marathon she literally fucked his brains out since he immediately agrees to marry her without much protest. It's needless to say their honeymoon takes place on a secluded pleasure planet and Big Barda doesn't let him leave the bed for three weeks. And before anybody thinks I am making all of this up just go and read the original comicbooks. Big Barda and Scott Free are one of the few married couples in comicbookdom where everybody knows that they are banging like rabbits and that Big Barda is using him like a sex toy.

I think this would be a good scenario for an adult Big Barda or FOURTH WORLD movie and Xanthe Tasmine would be great in that role. Especially in the scenes where she has to massage Mister Miracle's dick with her huge melons because her titanic twin torpedoes were just made ( and I do not mean that literally because as unbelievable as that may sound Xanthe's giant - sized 36F gazongas are 100 percent all natural !!! ) for pumping hard dicks dry. And when she has to ride the guy like a breeding stallion during insemination month because as a bikini and underwear model she knows all the positions to make guys squirt like crazy and as the film director I would have to insist that she does at least two dozen.

Not all of them would end up in the movie - naturally - but I would put a special clause in the fine print of Xanthe Tasmine's contract that she has to do them anyway. And as the acting stunt cock and resident ejaculation double I would make sure that we get the best shot of Xanthe when she spreads her legs as wide as she can and to properly slam - bang her silly.

I mean, who in his right mind would not seize the opportunity to live out all of his most perverted Big Barda sex phantasies with an absolute men milking machine and nymfomanic blow up sex doll like Xanthe Tasmine ?

So with that out of the way let me put you in medias res : since this story takes place after LEGENDS Kal - El has encountered Darkseid in SUPERMAN 3, ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN 426 and ACTION COMICS 586.

So Superman has also met Orion and Lightray and is aware of Apokolips and New Genesis. And as we learn later in the story he knows that Big Barda is Mister Miracle's wife even if they might not have met face to face. Now ACTION COMICS 592 ( and boy does John Byne take the title literal ) opens up with Big Barda taking a wrong turn and ending up in Suicide Slum which looks like Stuttgart Hauptbahnhof at 10 o'clock AM.

I have read some comments in various articles about this story that with his powers it should be easy peasy for Superman to clean up this part of Metropolis but either those people have a very short attention span or they did only read the sleazy parts of the story since it is addressed in the story that Superman did try but failed to clean up Suicide Slum.

In the new post CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS DC universe John Byrne tried to make Superman less powerful and more relatable and one way of achieving this was that there were tasks even he could not do. It was also a neat way to have this story element of a seedy part of Metropolis for the writers to play in without breaking the suspension of disbelief.

Now some people don't think that Superman is an interesting character because they think he is too powerful and could end war and hunger if he only wanted to but there have been various stories over the decades that explain that it is not that easy. Anyway, coming back to Big Barda's adventures in Suicide Slum in the worst career move of his soon to be short life a purse snatcher makes away with Big Barda's belongings and while he soon meets his end at the hands - or tentacles - of a mysterious alien Big Barda is overpowered and blasted with her mega rod by that alien but only because she was distracted by the corpse of that thief.

We make a cut to two days later - which will be important in the story later on - as Clark Kent's research of a story leads him to the secret hideout of the aptly named Sleez who has Big Barda under his control.

I have read some articles who claim that at first Superman mistakes Big Barda for a Suicide Slum prostitute but I could not find anything of that nature in the actual comicbook. Once Big Barda has broken free from Sleez mind control she tries to kill Sleez for the things he made her do while under his control - upon which John Byrne does not elaborate - but Superman stops her since he thinks that maybe Sleez is giving off a rare radiation that keeps some old people in Suicide Slum alive. Big Barda takes this as a sign that Superman is not the real deal but rather part of an illusion by Sleez and while Big Barda is dominating Superman with her mega rod Sleez just takes them out by opening a trap door under them.

The action continues ( pun intended ) in ACTION COMICS 593 with the best known part of this story as Sleez brings the now under his complete control Superman to an associate to make a porn movie co - starring Big Barda who has changed into her red metal bikini from her battle armour.

Sleez claims that the reason for this is to raise money for an army but with his powers of mind control he should be able to get any amount of money form anybody whenever he wants to so I guess he's just a dirty old alien who wants to see Superman and Busenwunder Big Barda get it on.

I mean we are talking about a guy who was too perverted for Darkseid and his name is literally Sleez. Make your own conclusions. Even under Sleez mind control Superman is resisting the urge to get it on with Big Barda and when Sleez finally breaks through and they are about to do the horizontal mambo Mister Miracle - who was alerted to this situation by Darkseid himself - crashes through the skylight an puts an end to this.

While Mister Miracle or better said Big Barda take care of a tentacle monster - which Sleez probably had in the wings to make a special sex tape with Big Barda for the asian adult video market - Superman chases after Sleez who apparently blows himself up. With Sleez seemingly dead and his associate nowhere to be found - we will come back to this later too - Superman, Mister Miracle and Big Barda part ways with Superman pretending to not remember that he was about to slam - bang Mister Miracle's brains out seven days to Sunday in the worst way, Big Barda pretending that she also doesn't remember much and Mister Miracle going along with it to keep his wife happy. And to keep banging Barda.

Which brings us to the matter of the sex tapes with Big Barda that were recorded. And there is a reason why I am talking about the plural here.

The first sex tape is the one with Big Barda and Superman and it is the one everybody is talking about. There are a lot of theories out there and some people claim that that tape is definitely out there in Metropolis because Sleez associate is never caught. And I tend to subscribe to that theory because while Mister Miracle did interrupt them before things could get serious they didn't recover the camera so the guy at the least had the first part of Superman and Big Barda trying to make out on tape.

And with the hundreds of movies where the producers used footage from other movies to finish them I don't think it's too far fetched to say that the guy just got a guy who looked a bit like Superman and a big breasted porn actress with black hair to shoot the porn part and put the film out.

Now for the second sex tape with Big Barda - about which not so many people talk about - we have to go back to ACTION COMICS 593 which opens with Mister Miracle overcoming a gauntlet of deadly traps to open the door of his home to find Darkseid waiting for him in the lazy chair.

Who tells him that his wife is not at home and hands him a tape which apparently depicts Big Barda in an outfit that does not cover anything of her bonerinducing anatomy - and which we have seen in the previous issue - doing unspoken things. According to Darkseid he got this tape at a store in Suicide Slum ( implying that Darkseid himself goes to such shops to stock up his home entertainment library on a regular basis or he has underlings who buy that kind of movies and Darkseid just confiscates it from them for his own viewing pleasure ) and as we later learn from Sleez associate the tape is not only definitely out there but a bestseller.

Now there is a bit of inconsistency with this as Mister Miracle deducts that the movie set where Superman and Big Barda are about to shoot the second sex tape is where the first one was shot when he sees the camera while earlier in the issue it was clearly stated by Oberon that the quality of the video is very poor and that it looks like it was shot in a sewer. But we can oversee that because his mind is clearly on other things here.

Which is definitely what happened as we found Big Barda dancing for Sleez pleasure in the sewer with an outfit that is only covering up her bare necessities due to the fact that John Byrne could not draw her completely naked due to the restrictions of the Comics Code Authority.

Now some people argue that that is what can be seen on the sex tape - Big Barda doing an erotic dance and maybe some stripping - but keeping in mind that there is no camera to be seen in that scene, the fact that this is two days later than we had seen Big Barda being knocked out and taking into account Sleez disposition that even grossed out Darkseid I think there is something more maybe even some solo mega rod action.

What is clear is that Sleez took complete advantage of the situation because while under his control Big Barda pleads " No. Please. Not again. " hinting at various sexual favours she had to grant him. Remember that the outraged Big Barda tries to kill Sleez for " the indignities which you heaped upon me in the past two days " and it doesn't take a genius to come to the conclusion that he used her like a cheap blow up sex doll.

Be that as it may this first sex tape is definitely out there since it sold so well and you can bet your power ring that Guy Gardner has a copy in his video library since I don't think that Superman did some clean up work to track down and destroy any of these tapes. I mean even if he went out of his way to get rid of the tapes with him and Big Barda - for the sake of not having one of the tapes find its way into Lois Lane's hands - I don't think he even knows of the existence of the first sex tape. Sleez and his associate talk about it while he is under Sleez mind control so his brain didn't register it and later neither Mister Miracle nor Big Barda bring it up and I doubt they talked about it with Superman later. If they really tried to destroy all copies of the tape they probably did it on their own secret mission but there are definitely are few video tapes out there with Big Barda under heavy make up doing unspeakable things with her mega rod with not much clothing if any at all. And that is all for Today. Originally I had planned to do a Jack Kirby's FOURTH WORLD spotlight as a follow up but sadly I don't have enough original art for that so our next post for DC COMICS MONTH may just be more John Byrne Superman goodness. And probably without sexually ambiguous story elements. But who knows ?

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