As my regular blog followers can see things didn´t work out as planned.
This was just supposed to be a quick re - post of last year´s Kiana Tom birthday post to relieve some stress. But as always ultimate cosplay sex bomb Yaya Han took over a big part of the post with her asian persuasion.
So I decided to cut the post - which had once again gotten too long - into smaller chunks that are easier to digest. With these re - posts I always try to include some new material - text passages, pictures, animated GIFs, videos - so that even those faithful followers of the blog who have read the last version get something new out of it. And anybody who knows about my obsession with Yaya Han is probably not surprised about this.
Anyway, we have the intro about flexual dynamo Kiana Tom but things quickly derail and it´s all about asian sexbombs but especially blow up sex doll Yaya Han and her giant - sized 44D oppai in our first spin - off .
So while I´m at it I´ve decided to make a second Yaya Han spin - off post and this one is all about the erotic movie I would like to shoot with her.
I know it´s mostly a pipe dream - even if she has had some acting roles and appeared in an issue of PLAYBOY ( although that was sadly when they didn´t include naked pictures because Yaya would have crushed it ) - but with her oversized masturbation sensation oppai Yaya was made for this.
Anyway, because I have been planning to make a new Yaya Han posts for weeks - as I have collected a lot of new pictures - I jumped at the chance to put some new Yaya Han content on the blog. I know some readers are not too keen on this kind of material. Which, as contradictory as it may sound, is another reason why I decided to do these two new spin - off posts : those who want to can check out the Yaya Han posts and those that don´t can just skip them and just go to this post or even the next comicbook related post ( which I can hopefully get to soon ). Plus, it makes all three posts shorter and easier to navigate the blog. But now it´s time to get back to flex expert Kiana Tom and this post is all about her.
Born in Maui, Hawaii, she is the daughter of Chinese American child actor, Layne Tom Jr. She was a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Raiders before becoming a TV personality and we all know the main purpose of the cheerleaders is to endure the adrenaline charged sexual assault of the jocks at the post game victory parties / sex orgies. With her exotic looks and perfect porn measurements she soon rose to the position of head cheerleader ( and any other position at the football team stress relief sessions ) - with a big emphasis on the " head " part especially " giving head " - and every midnight olympic session quickly escalated into an asian penetration marathon where the biggest perverts took turns dicktaming Kiana with their giant horsecocks, overpowering the asian lubrication expert by tag - teaming her two, three or four at a time.
KIANA´S UNIVERSAL SEX APPEAL : SO HORNY LOVE YOU LONG TIME
As an actress her most famous part was in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2 or UNIVERSAL SOLDIER - THE RETURN how it is sometimes called were her short bit part at the beginning is the only redeeming value of the flick.
In the scene Jean Claude Van Damme and Kiana Tom´s character Maggie are running an exercise run against the universal soldiers. They are separated and Kiana Tom is captured by wrestler Goldberg. Now I don´t know where the logic is here as he´s supposed to be some kind of cyborg but he does what any healthy man would do in his situation. Namely tie the helpless Kiana Tom whose shirt reveals a really huge bulge to a tree.
But it gets even better as Goldberg ( named Romeo in the movie which might explain why he tries to get it on with Kiana ) rips open her shirt !
Now that´s what I call entertainment : we´re only six minutes into the movie and we already see Kiana´s bra - clad melons exposed ( sadly she doesn´t go bra - less although she definitely has the hardbody to pull it off, but since she doesn´t show more skin it is the erotic highlight ). It is just a quick glimpse, but you can see that Kiana really doesn´t have much to be ashamed of because those perfect heavenly hangers look amazing !
Like I said, this doesn´t make much sense since Goldberg is supposed to be some kind of machine here but as an AVENGERS fan I also bought that the Scarlett Witch has such a hot body that even an android got horny.
As well as everybody else in the Marvel universe when the only women were her, the Wasp and Susan Storm. Looking back on old AVENGERS issues it´s kind of weird that all male teammates had the hots for her.
Even her own brother it seems which is something they picked up again in ULTIMATES. Which was so oversexed and badly written that this really didn´t matter. But back in the day Wanda was the go - to damsel in distress and the top item for a villain´s bachelor base was probably to have her chained to a bed naked. I mean I get that all the villains like Arkon wanted to mate with her. Okay, in the comics they only kidnapped her but guess what they intended to do with her. Which wasn´t in the least bit awkward when it was revealed that Magneto was her father. Yes, that´s one way how writing as you make things up can bite you in the ass.
Now all those times Magneto had Wanda under his spell and tried to turn her into his lust slave look really weird. Of course he played the old amnesia card but the truth is he probably knew all along that old dog.
For more on the Scarlet Witch the website SCARLET WITCHING has a post about The entire histoy of Wanda and Magneto´s relationship and THE PEERLESS POWER OF COMICS has an entry on her hex powers and her first glimpses as a villainess under John Byrne. You see ? Long before Bendis made Wanda a reality altering super mutant MILF it was established that everything was possible for her ( she even had twins with an android ) and that she´s so hot she made her own father, brother and a machine horny.
So maybe the producers use the same logic since Kiana´s mindboggling curves can overcome any programming. She´s so hot she melts metal !
Also as a cyborg I bet that Romeo has many additional giant - sized reproductive appendages which he can´t wait to introduce into Kiana.
And it would not surprise me if this was one of those very lucky instances where a blooper ended up in the movie since I am not sure if Goldberg was really supposed to rip Kiana´s shirt wide open or if he just seized the opportunity to do what any strapping lad in his position would do.
He probably botched a few takes on purpose so he could keep on exposing Kiana´s spectacular breasts. Speaking of spectacular breasts, maybe Bill went even further and also ripped off her bra. I mean, it would not be the first time something like this would be deleted from a movie ( remember the rumors that Halle Berry´s giant breasts obliterated her Catwoman costume but somehow there was no camera rolling that caught it on tape - on a movie set - so they could not put it in the extras ? ) or you would only hear about it decades later ( like with Erika Eleniak´s mind blowing striptease on Under Siege where only now Pamela Anderson accused Erika Eleniak of having had sex with Steven Segal to get that role while Erika Eleniak denies any such stories ).
In any case I´d like to get more information on who was her body double for the scene since she must also be a pretty hot number. Back to the scene, there isn’t a whole lot of skin here, but the bra busting moment might have you doing some serious Van Dammage to your man region !
Which makes it even less understandable that she didn´t do a nude scene in Universal Soldier 2. It´s not like Kiana has any problems with nudity since she not only posed naked for PLAYBOY, no, she also confessed that she is such a perfectionist that she had to wait until the right time in her career where she felt her body was in the best shape it has ever been in.
Too many celebrities never grab the chance to do nude pictures when they are in good condition, when their banging bodies are in their prime.
Then, twenty years ( or thirty years ) later their biological clock starts ticking, they want to prove they still look good and do some pictures.
Well, how are we supposed to come to a qualified decision ? We don´t know how she looked when she was young and sexy. So please girls, do some nude shots while you look good. Otherwise there is no proof.
But Kiana did it right, she made it at her physical prime and her pictorial is awesome ! It´s no wonder her issue completely sold out in one month.
And it seems Kiana had a blast doing it too : What a wonderful liberating beautiful experience to shoot with really renowned photographers and PLAYBOY. I had the pleasure of meeting Hugh Hefner several times and was invited to their many wild parties at the iconic Playboy Mansion.
As you may know, I posed for the Celebrity Cover & layout for PLAYBOY before getting married. It was a big decision for me to do it or not. They had approached me and my agent several times. Each time I said no thank you. My mentor / BFF / mother and I discussed it at length and with her guidance, decided to do it. My father had Playboy magazines in his closet, I used to sneak and look at all the beautiful photos of the women. ( all of the therapists out there are now having a field day ! lol ) The Playboy staff was so wonderful to work with, I had photo approval, choices of locations, photographers, makeup artists, stylists ... I actually did two shoots : one in studio, and one in Mexico. Extensive interview and layout.
As for her role in the film, Maggie is hardly used ( no pun intended ) and many reviewer bemoan that she didn´t get naked. I don´t know where the producers are coming from as they fumbled one of the biggest pulls of the movie when they decided not to make her a bigger part of the movie but some people suspect that one of the reasons why she is dumped so quickly in the movie is so the target audience doesn't have to deal with the suggestion of a mixed race relationship. Which I find a bit hard to believe since this really is no precedent in the history of US movies.
Secondly, it really doesn´t make any sense since what everybody hoped to see was more of Kiana Tom. Heck, I even found some fan fiction where Goldberg is not interrupted by JVCD ( typically he appears at the worst moment so we don´t see more of Kiana´s stunning physique ) and gets to unveil more of Kiana´s body before going down on her. And to show that others agree with me, here are some excerpts from various reviews :
After one of the most ridiculous opening jet - ski, machine gun scenes in film history, Kiana Tom's shirt got ripped open for a much too short bra shot. I immediately thought this movie, like sexpot Kiana, had potential.
The film opens with what the filmmakers hope is a pulse - pounding jaunt up a river, a jaunt filled with explosions, stunts, gunfire, and the briefest glimpse of Tom's incredibly fit form. As the mission grinds to a halt we learn several important things : Kiana Tom is incredibly hot but can't act her way out of a paper bag, JCVD has a daughter named Hillary who you just know will get into trouble at some point, and the only soldiers we must pay attention to are Goldberg and Michael Jai White.
Frankly, turning off the film immediately after glimpsing Tom's amazing physique is a good thing. Everything that follows is dull, predictable, and so full of plot holes as to defy description. " Universal Soldier 2 " feels like eighty minutes of dental surgery rather than an action film.
Plot holes in this film are innumerable, as uncountable as grains of sand on the beach or acne on a teenager's face, but let's instead discuss the performances - or the lack thereof. I should say I adore Kiana Tom; she's drop dead gorgeous with a body that could stop the earth's rotation, but watching her stumble through dialogue is like having your appendix taken out through your mouth. Another problem is the lumbering Bill Goldberg, whose " funny " lines are anything but. And the more I think about Heidi Schanz, the less I think of her. You have to wonder about a film where Jean Claude Van Damme is the best thespian in the cast.
Here I hoped that Heidi Schanz was the name german Playboy centerfold Nadine Tschantz used in Hollywood since they tend to have difficulties with german names ( as some playmates have used other names to break into the business ) but this is a totally different woman that does not share her physical qualities - or her proneness to get naked on celluloid.
Before we end the topic of the movie I can´t withhold what one reviewer refers to as the Jean Claude Van Damme Matrix for reviewing movies :
The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix ( JCVD - RM )
1. Who is he ?
Luc Devereaux, the only remaining UNISOL from the first experiment. He now serves as technical expert to UNISOL 2500, the second generation, which has resulted in a stronger, faster, more deadly warrior.
2. Which family member / friend must be avenged ?
Not only does Dr. Dylan Cotner ( Xander Berkeley ) - the lead project scientist - get fried, but his daughter also falls into danger.
3. Does he take his shirt off ?
No, but Romeo, the alpha male of all the UNISOLs, is constantly shirtless. And Kiana´s shirt gets ripped off, although she wears a bra in the scene.
4. Does he have sex with a C - List actress ?
I hoped that there'd be copulation with his partner Maggie ( Kiana Tom ), but sad disappointment hit me when the credits rolled. Really guys, which producer who´s in his right mind passes up an opportunity to get a body like this naked ? Let´s just be realistic here. If a hot exotic sexbomb like Kiana Tom with a pornstar hardbody that just won´t quit was my co - worker I´d definitely spend all my free time with slam - banging the living daylights out of her until I had tamed Kiana to be my obedient sex slave.
Which makes the scene where Bill Goldberg´s character Romeo just shoots Kiana Tom´s character Maggie all the more incredible. I mean, first she´s so hot that an artificial life form like Romeo goes against his programming and tries to turn a regular exercise routine into his own private wet sex phantasie where he ties Maggie to a tree, starts ripping off her clothes and is only prevented from dicktaming her hard by the arrival of our hero.
And then he just unceremoniously offs her. Okay, he brings her back as a UniSol 2500 but did he really need to kill her for that ? I definitely would keep the original alive just in case something bad happens to the robot version. Also from how he tied her to a tree and how he couldn´t wait to get her hands on her you might think that his intentions for her were others than just have her as another soldier fighting alongside the men.
She should be serving UNDER Romeo and the other UniSol soldiers. That way it would make sense to shoot her and revive her as a more obedient version of Maggie because Romeo knew this was the only way to slam - bang her brains out. But then Romeo and the other UniSols should be taking turns at pumping Maggie to breed new super soldiers. Or - if Romeo had kept the original alive - he could make multiple copies of her so each soldier could have his own Kiana Tom blow up sex doll. Or more than one. Can you imagine a world with an endless supply of Kiana Tom sexbots ?
5. Is there a tournament ?
No structured tournament.
6. Is training needed for this tournament ?
As a regeneration from the first experiment, all the training he needs.
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament ?
The splits are in full force when JCVD delivers a sack - stretching spin kick to SETH ( Michael Jai White ) - Self - Evolving Thought Helix - the computer system controlling the new genetically enhanced soldiers that implanted its programming and consciousness into human form.
8. Does he punch someone in the balls ?
Since the UNISOLs don't feel pain, but need to breathe, the throat - shot replaces the groin - shot in this one.
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks ?
OMG ! I'm dizzy !
10. Is his enemy unbeatable ?
SETH isn't quite SkyNet, and the UNISOLs aren't quite Terminators; so, JCVD has a manageable, yet difficult foe.
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance ?
While Luc is battling the new and improved UNISOL army, he has to contend with an beautiful but irritating reporter named Erin.
12. Does he win ?
Judgment day averted.
And that´s all I´m going to say on the subject of UNIVERSAL SOLDIER II.
Once again, time to wrap things up. As always I managed to talk about a lot of other stuff than Kiana Tom, but since the post is just an excuse to post as many pictures of her as possible I wanna wish her many returns !
So for those who can´t get enough of Kiana Tom you might want to check the infamous Bodyshaping Bikini Workout ( part 1 / part 2 / part 3 ) that YouTube already took down once as long as you still can. Probably because besides Kiana Tom you also get the no less stunning Kimiko Tanaka who is an exotic mix of american indian and japanese. So you get two exotic sexbombs wearing tiny bikinis for the price of one which must have lead to countless guys getting the mother of all nosebleeds because of oppai overload. And in the second part Carla Dunlap substitutes Kiana.
Starting off the bonus section we have a callback to my old homestead with Helge Schneider best known for his comedy movies which are an acquired taste. He has also mastered a wide variety of instruments.
Today´s top ten list are 10 Cheesy b - Movies by Cirio H. Santiago, the king of phillipino trash movies. These are the kind of movies Kiana Tom should have been in especially something like Angelfist which not only would have provided us with plenty of nudity and topless scenes but also a naked shower scene with Kiana Tom. Can you imagine Kiana soaping up her completely naked body in the shower ? It would have been so epic !
Speaking of being the ultimate ho, while Jessi didn´t become a hooker she showed in a recent jeans photoshoot that if she had chosen that profession she would have made a fortune as a professional prostitute.
Does anybody know where I can find more high quality pictures of this ?
Since the last time I mentioned Jessi I just posted two videos with her here is another top five with some of her breastest live performances.
Today´s feature film is A Name For Evil with Robert Culp, best known for I Spy and The Greatest American Hero, one of my all - time favorite shows.
It´s almost impossible to find episodes from this series on YouTube so you better watch this before it gets deleted. I didn´t catch the early episodes so I was kind of surprised to find out that the cast also includes Michael Pare. He also was in another favorite tv show of mine, Houston Knights.
I am also including the spanish dubbed version of this episode because this is how I watched the series. They didn´t show it in Germany and as usual I first discovered the series during the seemingly endless summer vacations of my misspent youth. I was always waiting for the moment when Robert Culp´s character would say : " Ralph, ponte el traje."
This video has a misleading title because while Young Samson may not be well know the same can´t be said about Frankenstein Jr. and Mightor.
Speaking about obscure and maybe rightly forgotten cartoon shows, just when I think I have seen the craziest, weirdest and trippiest cartoons out there something like Turbo Teen comes along. A teenager that turns into a car ? Okay, why not ? This must be the dream of many kids growing up.
New to the blog ? Everything you need to know about TALES FROM THE KRYPTONIAN : top ten posts / more posts of interest / best of the best
Ralph, ponte el traje.
